It Happened To Me

Women! Do We Hate Each Other?

   

black-man-friends

I attended church on one fine Sunday morning. I had been invited to that particular church by a friend. It was just after I left my own church. Yes, I left my own church for the simple reason that a newly married man was making passes at me. He sent me innumerable unanswered messages for a period of two months (plus). I didn’t want to stop attending the church. I don’t run and I don’t quit! However, I was advised to, for fear that if the cat was finally let out of the bag, I would be found guilty. After all, I am single, and a woman. I would naturally be found to be desperate and guilty… so I left. I left my own church and attended a friend’s church on this fine Sunday morning.

In church, a woman was to preach and I was excited about it. It was ‘Women’s Week’ and I am a feminist. On approaching the podium, she took her time to list the changes women had to make to be better wives, better women. God wanted that for us, she said.

  • We must look good always.
  • We must ensure our husbands look good always.
  • We must cook for our husbands.
  • We must respect our husbands.
  • We must not deny our husbands ‘in bed’.
  • We must look after the home.
  • We must look after the children.
  • We must respect and regard our in-laws.
  • We must be diligent at work.
  • We must appreciate that men are the way they are and learn to deal with them.
  • We must
  • We must…

She then said to the men,

  • Be patient with your wives.
  • Love them.
  • Care for them.

She did not elaborate on the kind of love and care husbands ought to show their wives. She assumed that they understood already. She overestimated men’s understanding of care and love while carefully explaining it to women.

As a result, I got angry. I looked forward to question time if there was going to be one so that I could express my distaste but there wasn’t one so I went home in anger and stayed there! Why was I angry? I was reminded of the immensity of pressure on women even by women. I ask women, do we hate each other? Our to-do list is so long yet we only plead with men to ‘be nice’. If they listen to our plea, oh joy! If not, we MUST deal with it. They say it’s their nature…

What nature? Men, it has to stop! Your so called nature is not getting you, us, and the family circle very far! Some of you are good however this goes out to those of you who aren’t… you know who you are!

You too can look good always!
You can cook!
You can take no for an answer while we are in bed without necessarily going outside to get some!
You can look after the home!
You can look after the children!
You can respect and regard your in-laws!
You can remain diligent at work while doing all of these… and
You can appreciate women and learn to deal with us too!

It’s a 50-50 thing! It really must be for it to work …for it to be enjoyable! Let’s break the mould… together! God will be pleased.

Image – gettyimages

Writer – Éjire



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0 Comments

  1. chizob21@hotmail.com'

    Ync

    April 12, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    It’s funny me and my sister were talking about this particular topic 2 weeks ago, the men are always treated different while women are left to deal with the bigger stress.

    In any marriage, the woman is the one who does 80% of the work, the man is believed to provide income and protect his family. Very sad you felt this way after church, wish it could be changed, the best way to change it is while dating, tell the guy you dating that it is not a woman thing, he has to help out as well.

    Hope all is well.

  2. mbolupe@yahoo.co.uk'

    bolu

    April 12, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    It’s a man’s world.
    Your understanding of the Pastor’s message is what the reality is. She was not trying to mount pressure on you, she does not hate you; infact she loves you. What i understand fom the pastor’s message is, there is no perfect man. It is your duty as a wife, woman, mother to make him perfect for you.
    The role of woman is very important in the home building/ nation building/ community building that is why God specially design us for this.
    A man is merely a roof while the woman is the pillar, the structure of a home.
    You’ll cope, others have done it and they didn’t die.

  3. ofisweet@yahoo.co.uk'

    Val

    April 12, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    I concur with Bolu.
    I just want to ask one question pls….How many women have ever won this war against men before…lets think about it.
    Lets just humble ourselves and be submissive, even the bible says so. Lets also be patient to wait for the right man because its how u present urself that u ll be treated. I have friends in fantastic marriages and also the ones in nasty ones, I have heard them voice out their joy for the happy ones and their regret for the unhappy ones.
    Bottomline?..Lets just be the gentle spirited, supportive and graceful women we have been called to be and lets stop competing with the men, we have ben called to different roles.
    The man is the head and we are the neck..tell me, without the neck the head aint turning nowhere…lets just be wise and play our different roles.
    God bless.

  4. tolu_cutie85@yahoo.com'

    abosede

    April 13, 2010 at 12:48 am

    i agree totally with bolu, ejire what the pastor’s preached is reality , simple reality.i really think we women are taking this feminist issue far, we are meant to honour our husbands whether good or bad, God designed it that way. My dear Ejire, submission to one’s husband is not stupidity but great wisdom, every woman should know this

  5. mulan.mine@gmail.com'

    Myne Whitman

    April 13, 2010 at 1:38 am

    I agree with the writer. SO many people focus on women and leave out the men. And we wonder why there are so many men being bad and cheating?

  6. lupe7281@yahoo.com'

    Yetunde

    April 13, 2010 at 2:13 am

    @ Bolu – i tioally disagree with you! Man’s world? Yes, is it, but should we now live in bondage cos of that???? Its a two way traffic o! While no one is waiting for the man to do his part as a condisiton to us doing ours, excusing ineptitude is what i wont take. it is high time we let the men realise that a happier wife is a happier home and a happier husband. And that none of that will fly if he is not doing his bit! The pastor’s message was loving…??? Heck no! No way! sounds like one of those old wife fables that didnt get most of our mothers anything except broken dreams and chants of “i stayed for me children”! every woman has a purpose and there is no way she’s going to fulfill that if one man is making her a mmisreable househelp or secon class citizen! afterall the bible gave presciprtion on how a man should love his wife! how come we all dont read that, but we never forget the ‘submission’ part? are we being selective with our christianity??? that self deprecating, self debasing christianity would get us God’s approval any better than full adherence to his word! *sigh* am stopping now…

    @ author- thank you.

  7. yomi_adu@yahoo.com'

    yomi

    April 13, 2010 at 2:18 am

    @ bolu…awww they already got you in the mix.
    @ ejire..nice one, too bad a lot of men dont come on femmelounge, some women dont mind actually cos they have been brainwashed that they have to roll on the floor ten times daily for their husbands heheheh, may God help us all 🙂

  8. talk2nana@yahoo.com'

    Nana

    April 13, 2010 at 2:24 am

    i agree with ejire, nice one

    @ abosede, this article wasnt titled ’50 ways to disobey or disrespect your husband , im sure you got the message wrong. knowing your right does not mean you dont honor your husband…food for tot 😉

  9. ujugee@yahoo.com'

    Obianuju

    April 13, 2010 at 2:52 am

    Hmm, ‘man issue’ is one of those inevitable things all women have had to grapple with from generation to generation. Come to think of it, even my baby daughter who is 10months old will ask these same questions about men in 20+ years!!!! So where do we go from here?

    1. Ejiri, women do not hate each other. (Our main problem is that we tend to compare ourselves with ourselves a lot and that breeds jealousy, envy, mistrust and sometimes hatred). I believe that what the female pastor did/said mirrors what Paul wrote in Titus 2:1-6 especially v.3-5….“the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behaviour, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, home-makers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed”. So it is a good thing for experienced older women to talk to young women about marriage and managing their homes. The older men, likewise, will do a better job with the young men.

    Experience, they say, is the best teacher. It doesn’t always have to be personal though; other people’s experience will do! A woman’s role in the family and society at large is invaluable. We were made to nurse and to nurture and exert great influence on the people in our immediate environment—our families (primarily husbands and children) and that’s why God took His time. He didn’t create Adam and Eve at the same time or from the same raw materials. Remember that He made Eve out of Adam!!!! Trust me; we have been equipped with what it takes to get it right.

    A 21st century Christian wife is certainly going to have a hard time juggling a marriage, children, family life and a career that it can only take a special grace and wisdom from God to get it right! For instance, let’s just consider the issue of children in a marriage. Paul said the young women should love their husbands (first), love their children etc.. It takes wisdom to know that you shouldn’t neglect your husband when you have a baby. Your husband’s special place in your heart should not be displaced even for a minute just because you’ve had kids for him. As much as I hate to think about it, it is inevitable that my baby girl is going to come home one day in the near future, with a young man and say these unspoken words—“I have had a good time with both of you as my parents. Thank you for all you did for me and the love and care you showed me but your love is not enough. It’s time to move on and start my own family and this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with”. She will move on while my husband sticks on. A husband was there long before you had your kids, will be there when they grow up and will still be there after they leave and you will be stuck with each other and carry on till death do you part!

    No hasty generalizations and no price comparisons here, thank you. In our fast paced, instant coffee/noodles 21st century world, it’s all too easy to compare and contrast goods and services. That is my main gripe with the womenfolk. We compare and contrast everything! Every man is different. Every marriage is different and even you, yes you, should celebrate your uniqueness. Let’s take a break from this destructive habit and learn to focus on the things that will make us better home-makers and nation builders. Your man is unique. He is not like every other man out there. Give him a chance and don’t allow any misconceived notions you have of men or bitterness from a previous relationship that didn’t work ruin a present one or a marriage. Study him well and diligently and know that though he has the authority, you have the influence. With patience, influence can accomplish anything, trust me. It is always subtle and gentle (not manipulative though) and very effective.

    Have a nice day, ladies. God bless all women everywhere!

  10. davo4u@gmail.com'

    Akanni

    April 13, 2010 at 3:11 am

    aahhaah! this is it! Women emacipation revolutionary campaign has begun…Ejire the host & chairperson….lol! see ejire d reality of life actually starts and end in marriage, so u can challenge it, to start with, u were asked to leave ur church for thing that is not ur faults with evidences(unreply sms) yet u agreed to leave for the man to win but u agreed only to be finding fault in thing u dont have control about. Dont be deceived, Men actually knows that it is women that is ruling their world, except that, that woman must be wise enough to make their ego high, then she takes control of his affair…guess what! almost all requests by women is gotten on the bed or dinning table either way by a wise moman in charge technically…solearn the trick & u will be incharge, revolution is for the loosers! get wisdom & win ur MAN…By the way,Akanni is my name given by my woman…lol

  11. alifbaby@yahoo.com'

    Orifie

    April 13, 2010 at 4:01 am

    Sweetie,

    As it is in everything, there are two sides… at least.

    Now, looking at this, I’d have to say that yes, there are a lot of things that are put at the plate of women as being “our responsibility”, i hate to say this, but after being married for a few years… they really are.

    Though a bitter pill to swallow, this lady has not said anything that hasn’t been said in the Bible. There are verses that say how a woman builds the home, and how terrible it is to live with a contentious woman and all that, but none ever says anything about the man building the home or being contentious.

    Did the Bible omit something so important? I dont think so…

    Long story short, i think what the lady was trying to say was, “a lot hangs on the necks of the fair fair sex, but we don’t need to take it on ourselves, that’s why we have the power of God to be our help and our guide”.

    It’s easy to get hung up on feminism and forget the order of God. It’s an either or situation here – hang on to the feminism 100% and risk breaking down your own home with your very own hands by being contentious OR take it from the Bible’s point of view and build up your home with the power of God. Your choice…

    At the heart of feminism is a bit of pride… and you know that always goes before a fall…

  12. fotolytic@yahoo.com'

    Foto

    April 13, 2010 at 4:11 am

    Your pastors message is very right. Ladies and women got to understand their role in a home. A man is looking for a companion not a competitor. He was looking good before you met him, He will continue to look good even after marrying you, yours is to just advise which trousers to wear.
    * He has been eating before you came to his life, He will continue to do that either by eating outside or eating at home. The Choice is yours as a woman to decide where you want your husband to be eating.
    Women got to learn to respect their husbands. its not a competition about 50/50 thing.
    I got a lot to say but must be back to work

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  14. r_mxl@yahoo.com'

    Ramatu

    April 13, 2010 at 4:22 am

    Its terrible the things women do to their fellow women the article just shows a facet of the problems we face. No one tells men the truth and when they are told it is seen as feminism, while I like to cook, clean, be sexy and do all that is listed where is it written that my self worth and sense of belonging emanate and are solely from these. I am expected to respect my in laws,does that mean drudgery,stupidity and forced servitude. I say this because people forget that relationships are a product of the environment in place, if I slave all day and probably all night and kiss ass too what piece of me is left to sell out.
    WOMEN BE CAREFUL ABOUT THE JUDGEMENT YOU METE OUT TO YOUR FELLOW WOMEN AS IT ALL COMES BACK TO HAUNT YOU BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. tayomd@yahoo.com'

    Bridget

    April 13, 2010 at 4:40 am

    This is a very interesting topic and something i am very passionate about. There is nothing wrong with what the pastor said. Women indeed are the home makers and we do have a lot of responsibilty on our shoulders and like Orifie said, God gives us the strength to carry out our duties.

    HOWEVER, men are not to be let off lightly! If you read what St. Paul said from Eph 5:21-33. He started by telling them (everyone) to be subject to one another out of reverence of Christ. He went on to say how women should submit to their husbands and men should love their wives LIKE Christ loved the Church and scarificed himself for her. My friends, Christ died for the Church. I believe that the role that the man has to play in the marriage is even more demanding than that of the woman. He needs to die for her, provide her, take care of her and love her as he would love himself.
    In other words, he needs to make sacrifices for her and that is not limited to providing food for the family or not cheating on her but also most of the things on the list that the pastors said to the wives. How can you sacrifice yourself for your wife if you are leaving her to come back from work, do all the cleaning, cooking, take of the children, shopping and then also demand sex at night? The man is to asked to particpate in running and building the home.

    As for being feminist, there’s nothing wrong it as long as its ordered properly. Christ himself was humble on to death on the cross for sinners like you and me. Why cant we women do likewise for our family – husband and children? Are we better than Jesus? I am not saying this cos i find it easy, its something i struggle with everyday, believe me but i pray to God to have the strength to do the right thing.

    I think the ultimate femininity is for the woman to take charge of her home, take care of her family and build a home where everyone (including herself)can be the best that they can ever be.

  16. folahanfagbule@yahoo.com'

    Fola

    April 13, 2010 at 4:59 am

    Well said Bridget. Its NOT an either/or situation. As a guy, I have to say I find it offensive when “men” are stereotyped as not being caring or requiring slaves for wives. That’s just nonsense. At the same time, I don’t think any man in his right mind wants to live with a so-called “contentious” woman. A lot of this extreme gender equality stuff can often come across as quarrelsome (not everybody understands or agrees with it). Bottom-line, both Ejire and her (ex)Pastor have a point, its NOT either/or…

  17. tayomotty@yahoo.com'

    Tayo

    April 13, 2010 at 6:40 am

    l like what the writer is saying,most times we talks about women their duties and responsibilities in the home and we negelect the roles men should also play.In a situation where women does all what the preacher listed above and yet men doesn’t appreciate by showing some love and care.Pls,we also need to talk about men it shouldn’t be women we will be talking about all the time.THANKS

  18. bomi@jollynotes.com'

    Bomi Jolly

    April 13, 2010 at 7:24 am

    Chuckled while I read this…. a lot has been said, and will be said, about this very passionate topic.

    But in a nutshell, I certainly agree with the writer’s very valid points…. It’s not that complicated, honestly. Men and Women, treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. Regardless of what what is the acceptable “norm” wherever you live, look within and ask yourself if the way you’re treating your spouse seems right to you. If it is the same way you would want to be treated. Be considerate, and love totally…. we can all do it, so help us God!

  19. ughechris@yahoo.com'

    Chris

    April 13, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Am a guy (single)! yes i get what writer, pastor and the contributors said! quite interesting! in the end i think it all boils down to MUTUAL LOVE AND RESPECT! WHAT EVER U EXPECT, U MUST BE READY TO GIVE, WHETHER U ARE THE MAN OR THE WOMAN!

  20. wwjd_ad2j@yahoo.com'

    Olabc

    April 13, 2010 at 9:32 am

    Wonderful piece, God bless you!

  21. aamad14@yahoo.com'

    Andrea

    April 13, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    This list makes me laugh. Am sorry.. its bullshit.

  22. bj4shortus@yahoo.com'

    Oguntimehin omobolaiji

    April 13, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Im tired of arguing with my guy friends,i thank God my fiance is loving and he can do all these.I just pray it continues.

  23. larrahromire@hotmail.com'

    Lara

    April 14, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Please why are we always told/expected to deal with the shit men dish out.
    Guess the woman was just handing down the age long tradition.

  24. no.limit@ymail.com'

    NoLimit

    April 15, 2010 at 12:56 am

    I hope this comment of mine will go down well with all and sundry…having said that…I will still yarn my church mind regardless…so here we go>>>
    I am a firm believer in the good book called the Bible and I totally believe it is the foundation…I used to feel cheated as a woman cos of all the pressure on women…but I got to understand that…we are stronger than we think hence the reason this major responsibility is on us.
    Men and women are different and the earlier we accept that the better.
    The good book says…A wise woman builds her home,but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands…it didn’t say a wise man…and when you read Proverbs31…that talks about the ideal woman(actually I read it and feel drained) you will know that the major work in building a home lies with the woman…
    so what happens to the man when all this is being done by the woman?…my thinking is…if he’s a good man(which you shld have ensured he is before you married him), he will reciprocate the way you want him to.
    What matters to each individual is relative…

  25. chased@yea.com'

    cna training

    April 15, 2010 at 5:55 am

    nice post. thanks.

  26. kiirushiro@gmail.com'

    Sheeze

    April 16, 2010 at 4:28 am

    Well said and put at the end of the day I believe it’s a fifty-fifty way… I will be humble and submissive to you but we also got to be respected by the men and get all their support, at the end of it all we all need God’s grace and divine wisdom to live this life.

  27. surfegbyfn@gmail.com'

    best ad program

    April 16, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    Cool blog.

  28. tolu_luyi@yahoo.com'

    ?a?azz

    April 18, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Well, both sides have valid points…yea. But i believe there is no blueprint anywhere for handling men.
    Its eitheryou do it the bible way if u are a lover of Christ or u do it wateva way that works for you.
    Basically,no man is the same and so, no relationship is the same.
    Work out your relationship with respect and understanding..
    Watever works for another may not work for you.
    Understand the basics of urs and learn to manage it properly as a superwoman!

  29. topzyd2001@yahoo.com'

    tope

    April 19, 2010 at 6:43 am

    i think a relationship is what the people in it make of it. its up to both of u to decide how it will go, if its going to be a “help each other approach”, its ur chioce and if its going to be “am the king and u the slave approach” its your chioce. but u better make it before u enter the marriage is all. God help us all

  30. anthony67@hotmail.com'

    Anthony

    April 24, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    Please why are we always told/expected to deal with the shit men dish out.
    Guess the woman was just handing down the age long tradition.

  31. flourishingflorida@yahoo.com'

    Florishing Florida

    April 25, 2010 at 8:55 am

    some of the comments am reading from women in this article r baffling me! wait o. so if man use the bible to cage u up, u ma will use the bible to padlock the cage???? what is wrong with pple! how many centuries now have men been using the bible to support being bad husband??? d author isn’t saying that women should be contentious or not build their homes. all she is saying is dat d emphasis should be put on the man as well as the woman!! Geez!

  32. tnasiru2002@yahoo.com'

    miss nas

    April 26, 2010 at 4:54 am

    agree with ejire, in fact, i think i know this church and ejire sef….thats another issue

    tho all the things the pastor said was right, sadly, but i dont see why anyone emphasises the roles of men and what they MUST do. we are just made to accept status quo.
    my method is gently and subtly and prayerfully, i let him know his roles and what HE must do and how me MUST NEVER cheat on me cos i am not the sit-down-and-accept-life-the-way-it-is kind of woman.

    maybe i should preach someday, sure u’d like that uh?! lol

  33. kibhade@gmail.com'

    Ibhade

    April 27, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    EVERY ACTION BEGETS A REACTION…..

    LIFE IS A CIRCLE…WHATEVER YOU DISH OUT, YOU WOULD MEET IT WAITING FOR YOU…

    SO LETS SAY, HOW WOULD ANY OF YOU LADIES FEEL IF YOU VISIT ANY OF YOUR BLOOD RELATIONS & SEE HIM DOING HIS WIFE LAUNDRY & COOKING WHILE THE WIFE STAYS IN THE SITTING ROOM /BEDROOM WATCHING FILM /READING NOVEL,NEWSPAPER ALL IN THE NAME OF IT BEING 50;50? please i want you all to chew on this thought BECAUSE WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE MOTHER-IN-LAWS IN FUTURE!

  34. misi_jim@yahoo.com.au'

    yemisi adesina

    April 29, 2010 at 11:24 am

    mmh……….. i will never understand this topic fully…. It just gets to me. But all in all, what i always remember is that disobedience to God’s word is HELL FIRE straight up. Whatever it takes in exhibiting the fruit of the spirit to put my flesh under………… i’m gonna do it. When we get down to basics, its just self esteem and self worth………..

    Cheers ladies

  35. chiliz722@yahoo.ca'

    Liz

    May 7, 2010 at 6:09 am

    It’s interesting how some quote a bible verse & then contradict it by their explanation.
    The man being the head, the “Chief Executive Oficer” has the bulk of responsibilities in a marrige. I am gobsmacked when people say that the man is the head of the man & then supply that the woman is “the pillar”, “the builder”, “the success or failure depends on her” bla bla bla…
    The wife is to serve as a complement, a helper to her man. She should be submissive & respectful to her mate.
    The man is asked to love his wife as himself, as christ loved the congregation.
    Would a man look forward to another full-time work at home after the one he’s done in the office all day? A loving husband wouldn’t think twice about helping out in house chores & those other things the preacher outlined. Though I wonder why a woman should be preaching in church in the first place…

  36. ms.osime@yahoo.com'

    AWittyFool

    May 11, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    LOL @ d reaason U left Ur church, which also speaks to whether women hate each other of not. d guy is a cheating SOB, but U have to run, becuz U (mainly by the women) would be accused, judged and probably executed for it.
    I cant say dat women hate each other, but I think dat we compete wit each other on VERY personal levels, dat r NOT condusive 2 building strong, solid or lasting relationships. Lovely blog by d way

  37. tadonling@gmail.com'

    Standtall - The Activist

    May 14, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Did Bolu just say ” it is a man’s world”? oh, you are one of those that believe in this erronous saying. No wonder the world is turned upside down.

    I left my church for a lot of reasons but oen was because all the preaching around women even by the pastor’s wife was just like the one in this article. No one tells the men that all the ROLES can be learnt and shared! I am a feminist and a firm believer in equality. Both men and women can both do goood, share good, look good for each other, cook for each other etc!

    You left your church cuz of that stupid married man! You didnt show the text messages to the pastor and asked for him to be warned or you call him aside to talk sense into him!

  38. tittlope56@yahoo.com'

    Femi

    July 8, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Ejire, you fall my hand. You should have warned the man seriously and exposed him when he persisted. The young new bride doesn’t need that kind of a two timing bastard.

    To all you women coming up and saying its a man’s world, remember you were all created to be help meet for the man not a punching bag or some sort of slave.

    Men should begin to understand that what they don’t give they cannot get. MUTUAL RESPECT IS THE KEY WORD.

  39. akinyele_t@yahoo.com'

    toyin akins

    August 3, 2010 at 4:05 am

    Sorry 4 those experiences but let me leave you with this “if you treat a woman like a queen,you’ll be her king”.

  40. lg1702@gmail.com'

    lara

    October 4, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    this is hillarious but very true. i dont even think women know what should be. Alot of women just take what was passed down to them from their mothers without thinking twice or asking questions. All these cook,wash,submit, encourage love…..bla…bla…..
    Women are the only sex group that really dont like themselves;we hate,we envy,we scrutinize,all sorts without thinking twice;infact some people say its a woman’s thing.
    The moment i recognise all these “women traits”, i sincerely started working on myself,consciously assisting other women,encourage them to do stuff they always want to do,assist and all. Lets take a step,1 by 1 and lets stop being our own hatters. Love you great women!!! i’m not a femminist though….Lol

  41. thecornershopng@gmail.com'

    Adiya

    February 16, 2011 at 12:32 am

    I don’t think it’s about hate. I think it’s about ignorance that some women don’t even know they have. Women are their own worst enemies when it comes to feminism and stuff.

    If women have ‘musts’ then men must have ‘musts’ too. Geez

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