Real Women Real Issues

Real Women, Real Issues – Marathon!

   

Femme Lounge presents  Real Women, Real Issues Marathon, this month four young women share with us real issues weighing them down and they seek our suggestions and advise.

Question By  Mrs B – I got married to my husband after one year of dating. He has always been very private but i didn’t take it too serious because we were just dating. Now that we are married, I am worried that he still remains very secretive and private. He doesn’t allow me to go through his phones, I don’t know the passwords to his emails, atms cards etc, I don’t even know how much he earns, or how much he has in his bank account, and so many other things like that. He gets angry any time i try to ask him these things.  Am i  just being overly sensitive and is it possible to have a good marriage with all these secrecy, and why all the secrecy?

Question By Sister T – My elder sister moved in with me and my husband six months ago because she was transferred from Ibadan to Lagos and she had no where to stay. I love her a lot, but she is always having clashes with my husband, she is very lousy, she talks to us in commanding tunes, and always pokes her nose into our marital affairs. Recently she also started bringing her boyfriends home to sleep over in our two bedrooms flat!

It is causing a lot of tension between my husband and I, and my husband wants her to leave but I don’t know how to tell her, whenever we have a disagreement she always says I am disrespecting her because I am married and she is not. I told my mother about her behavior, she said she is my sister that I should beg my husband to let her stay and learn to tolerate her till she gets her own apartment (which she is not looking for!).I don’t want to displease my family and I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with my husband. ireally dont know what to do.

Question By Missy K – I was raped at gunpoint by an unknown man in the parking lot of a shopping mall about a year ago, after the incident I decided I wasn’t going to let it destroy my life, I went for medical checkup and  counseling and I have been able to put the whole thing behind me until recently.  I told my mother about it some months ago but I assured her I have recovered and I made her promise not to tell anyone.

I was shocked when I started hearing it all around in my neighborhood,  i went to confront my mother since she is the only one that knows about it. She said she told her two friends because she wanted  their advice. The friends went home to tell their children and the news started spreading from there with all sorts of twists, someone even said I got pregnant from the rape and aborted.

I felt really betrayed and disappointed. I was so angry at my mother I yelled at her, I left home in anger and moved in with my friend in another part of the town. It’s been three weeks now and I am surprised that my mother has not called once to apologize for what she did, my siblings say she is still insisting that she told her friends to ask for their advice.

i am hurting really bad and its all due to her lack of discretion, i really don’t know if its worth reconciling with her if she doesn’t call to apologize.

 

Here is a poem written by Gee Bee and dedicated to all women who need to  stand tall and not  fall!

Beneath my pretty face,
lies a battered fate.
Beneath those lovely smiles,
lies a crooked mile
bound by a twisted tale
of many years untold.

Beyond this pretty face,
the smiles and gracious steps
lies an aching heart and
a very troubled soul
borne from deep issues
rooted deep within my soul

Beneath the pretty face,
lies a bundle of issues.
Issues to personal to discuss
with a stranger;
yet to difficult to explain
even to the closest of friends.

Beyond my pretty face,
are issues minute but huge
which often storms my life,
leaving big scars and forcing
even worthy ambitions
to go into hiding.

But beyond and beneath
the many issues that may be
I’ve learnt to stand tall
and not to fall
knowing there’s victory
that lies beneath.

Image: Image Source


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  1. ms.osime@yahoo.com'

    AWittyFool

    June 13, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    @Mrs B. as I am single, I am probably way off base here, but I had always thot that marriage meant two becoming ONE, in every sense of the word. I would suggest that you sit with your husband (at a neutrl time, not when you are having an arguement) and explain to him that you want and will respect his privacy, however, all of his secrecy is making you feel like he doesnt trust you. he is keeping your lives seperate and that is not condusive to a successful union.
    @Sister T: If Ur sister accuses U of disrespecting her, ask her how you can respect her if she doesn ntorespect herself.
    @Missy K: Ur mother is wrong, but she may never appologise and she is your mother.
    @Daughter K:babe, dat is one hell of a suituation to find yourself

    • bolajuwon2002@yahoo.com'

      ayobola

      August 5, 2010 at 9:00 am

      ‘AWittyFool’, wat a name.but i lyk ur coments.

  2. Jennifererere@hotmail.com'

    Jaycee

    June 13, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    @MrsB…Trust is one the most important things in a marriage, and from what I’m getting you’re starting to have doubts about his necessary need for secrecy. You have to be open with your husband and tell him how you’re really feeling about his “secrets.” If he tries to dissuade you, tell him that it’s really important for you to know…that you’re married to him now, no longer dating him. There should be no alarming secrets in a marriage, it’s the theory of “two coming together to become one.”

    @Sister T…it is so unfortunate that it comes down to this, but you should never be made to choose between your family and your husband. If you’re forced to choose, please choose your husband. With marriage comes the fact that you “leaving” your family behind and giving your all to your husband. Everything else comes second after him. If you love him, you’ll make sure no one (sisters and mother included) disrespects your husband. Right now it seems as though your husband is being disrespected. If your sister isn’t listening, it’s time for her to leave. It won’t be the end of the world, but letting her stay is very likely to leave a bitter taste on your husband’s lips.

    @MissyK…I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I think you should call your mother and talk to her gently (easier said than done, I know). But it’s better than not talking to her. Even if she doesn’t call to apologize. Your mother will always be your mother, something that your friends can never substitute. Even before she asks for your forgiveness, just forgive her for your own happiness. What has happened cannot be taken back. But you can still take a grip of your future because you’re alive to tell the story. Many women are not alive to testify, and I’m so happy that you made it out of that situation alive. I pray you have the strength to move on 🙂

    @Daughter K…I really don’t know. Tough situation. I just pray that you’ll use wisdom in this situation. I can’t even imagine how at a loss you feel right now.

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  4. s@l.com'

    Shalewa

    June 14, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    @Mrs B: I know this is after the fact, but for goodness sake! What were you two doing when you were dating? I always thought the dating period was a time for a man and a woman to get to know each other as much as possible before making a commitment to get married and share their lives together. So it makes me wonder what kind of relationship you guys had. Was it long-distance? Did you sleep walk throughout that time? Was it just a physical sexual relationship with no depth? Did you rush or force the guy to marry you? Was it our of pressure or desperation that you ended up with him? I mean, how did you end up marrying someone you barely know? It is a MISTAKE to ignore the warning signs and assume “afterall we are just dating” and then complain that the guy has not changed after marriage. ABEG single ladies, know what you are getting yourself into when you are dating o! NEVER EVER expect a man to miraculously change after you have married him. If he was secretive before, then he is not going to change just because… LESSON LEARNT. Anyway, Mrs B, now you are in it so you have to work on getting your husband to open up to you. Bring it up in casual conversation that you feel he is shutting you out of his life. Ask him if there is any particular reason why. Perhaps he feels you talk too much and he doesn’t trust you? In any case, don’t take it personal cos that will only turn him off. Tell him that you just want to feel close to him. If he trusts you with little things now, maybe he can start trusting you with bigger things in future. All the best o!

    • bolajuwon2002@yahoo.com'

      ayobola

      August 5, 2010 at 9:15 am

      madam shalewa….e ro ra o. my dear, i pray you get there. you think marriage is a bed of roses? you cannot totally blame her and i agree with you that when dating, do not ignore the obvious. i am married and i dated my husband for 8 YEARS before we got married. alot of bad habits he used to do has stopped but you know the interesting things, we fight about the silliest things you can think of. But it is all by the grace of God because we have realised no matter how much we fight, we cannot do anything without each other. But my dear do not be deceived that you would know everything about a man before you get married.no one is wise except the all knowing father and you have to key into his plans.
      I will right my comments at the bottom of the page.

  5. s@l.com'

    Shalewa

    June 14, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Oh by the way (still on Mrs B) I think it is quite nosy to want to go through your husband’s phone, his emails and stuff. Is there any reason why? I think allowing your spouse to have bit of privacy is okay and it shows you trust him. I, for one would not necessarily want my spouse all up in my business all the time. It shows a level of insecurity and immaturity to be trying to keep tabs on everything your husband is doing so UNLESS you have a reason to suspect shady business, stay out of his phone and emails!

    @ Sister T: Please try to have a word with your sister in private. When your husband is not around, speak to her politely and calmly so as not to seem disrespectful. Tell her that she is a guest in your home, and no matter what, she should act accordingly. She has to respect you and your husband’s wishes. If you don’t want her boyfriends in your home, tell her plainly – don’t assume that evil looks or passive aggressive behaviour will get the message across. If you feel she is overstepping her boundaries by arguing with your husband or poking her nose in your private affairs – by all means, do what you can to correct her. If she is wise, she will listen and not take offence. If she does not listen, then it will become clear that she is totally out of order, and no one would blame you for putting your home first and removing her. At the end of the day, your first priority now is peace in your marriage. Every other relationship is secondary.

    @ Missy K: I feel so sorry for the situation you are facing, but I would urge you to forgive your mother. She acted unwisely but I’m sure she did not mean to hurt you. I think her friends were the foolish and untrustworthy ones. But I pray that you and your mum get over this issue and your relationship is restored. We would always need our mother in our lives. Just be careful what you share with her next time.

    @ Daughter K: My goodness, what a shocking and messy situation to be in. Personally I think it would be unwise to tell your mother, but I am not in your shoes, so I can’t really judge. Please pray and ask God to guide you.

  6. tobereangirl@gmail.com'

    Berean Girl

    June 15, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    “Red flags!”. For Mrs B, there were definitely red flags when they were dating so her husband’s behavior wasn’t just out of nowhere. But this is no time to chastise you over spilled milk. I hope the few pointers I offer will be of help…
    – Pray for him and when you get the opportunity pray with him. Great things happen when you pray
    – Continue to be open to him. By showing him you trust him he might be more inclined to let go a little and start opening up to you.
    – Listen. I know this sounds so simple but its harder to implement. But really just listen. If he’s talking about a sports show or a horrible day at work, show him you’re interested in the little things. And he may be inclined to share the big things.

    As for him, he shouldn’t be let off the hook easily… it’s really a problem with communication. I’ll definitely recommend the book 5 love languages by Gary chapman, so you both can learn to express yourselves better. As far as I can tell, it’s only a communication problem.

    • bolajuwon2002@yahoo.com'

      ayobola

      August 5, 2010 at 9:41 am

      u r a wise person.

  7. tobereangirl@gmail.com'

    Berean Girl

    June 15, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Mrs T, set boundaries. Boundaries are important because when lines are crossed there are consequences. She has clearly crossed the line here and put your relationship with your husband at stake. Have a good talk with her in the absence of your husband so she doesn’t feel disrespected. Don’t talk to her in anger or condescendingly but in love. Let her know how you feel. Also listen to her, there might be a reason she’s acting that way. What’s her story?Perhaps she’s going through some personal frustrations and is just acting out?See how you can help in that respect. If you can find her an apartment, pay the first month’s rent and send her off… that will be a good way to break this unhealthy connection.

  8. tobereangirl@gmail.com'

    Berean Girl

    June 15, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Last comment on this femme lounge, I promise!Lol

    Missy K, what your mother did was very uncalled for. I know the right thing to say is “Forgive” and you should, but first of all walk through the hurt. Does journaling help?Even just talking to God?Do these until you’ve reached a point were you feel you can talk to her without any bitterness. And then forgive.

    Daughter K… Wow, that is beyond me but I can say don’t be hasty to act on what you saw. Perhaps your mother knows?perhaps she doesn’t?I’m more concerned about your father’s acts. Please pray for him. I’ll be praying for you too.

  9. datebell4free@yahoo.com'

    Shaeun

    June 16, 2010 at 2:26 am

    Mrs B: I think you should find out why your husband is being secretive instead of trying to know his secrets. He might a reason for that though it might not be genuine. Some people are sometimes to protective of themselves and their stuff so try to know him better…one day at a time.

    Sister T: Your relationship with your husband, sister and family are different. Protect your own immediate nuclear family first. I.e your husband. Call your sister and explain to her why she needs to respect you, your husband and your space. Be very calm, polite, firm and unemotional about it. She can bring her boyfriends home but not to sleep over…you don’t want your kids seeing “stuff”…trust me.

    Missy K: I’m so sorry about what happened, I was almost raped once and I still shudder when I remember. I know it’s not easy but please, please forgive your mother…she really was looking out for you when she told her friends. If I were in your shoes, I’ll go back home and keep a straight face till she apologizes. It’s not the end of the world besides people forget a lot over time. Hold your pretty head high!

    Daughter K: I’ve been in your shoes. I confided in someone who told me to confront my mum. I didn’t but I was always so rude and angry with her…till I just forgave her. I realized she had a reason (a very good) for cheating.
    I don’t think you should tell your mum. You definetly don’t want to be responsible for their break-up. Just keep your cool and pray for him. If it happens again, confide in someone elderly in the family like your maternal grand mother. She’ll know how to handle it…besides they might already know.

  10. tnasiru2002@yahoo.com'

    omotee

    June 16, 2010 at 8:25 am

    @MRS B: There should be a closer bond btw u and ur husband, he should not be so secretive (even though i think he is entitled to some privacy too, his phones ke??)
    discuss it with him that u r now his wife and he ought to be a bit more relaxed. let him know ur motive is not to hound and spy him but bcos u just dont want there to be so much secrets, u dont want him to be a stranger

    SISTER T: no long tin: “Sister, pls when are u moving out? we kinda need space”
    she will get angry, report u to everyone etc and one day u will resolve it, after she has moved out of your house.
    what did u think “leave and cleave” meant?

    MISS KAY: i cant begin to imagine the trauma and hurt u’ve gone thru. u’re strong to have been healed.
    however, the issue with ur mom. just try ur best and forgive her – not bcos she has asked for it but bcos its just the best u can do. its hard but thats the best thing now. sorry

    DAUGHTER K: WAOH! thats one hard pill to swallow. poor u, no one shd be confronted with such issues but i think ur mum shd know, this is just not him cheating, u will be helping ur dad and their marriage if u tell ur mum. ask him to own up or u will tell ur mum

  11. randoross@gmail.com'

    Randoross

    June 16, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Yeah, it’s good, very useful, thanks 🙂

  12. akinyele_t@yahoo.com'

    toyin

    June 16, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    na real women issues it’s 2 much 2 handle imagining every woman coming forth with her issues.First & foremost we thank God 4 d lives of these matured adults for sharing so that we can learn.For every girl,lady,woman & mother proverbs 31 shoould be our watch word.”A wise woman builds her home”.While i was young that was my mum’s holidays assignment 4 us(3 girls) little did i know in years 2 come it will come handy.On this note, in all situations God always give solutions but DO NOT FORSAKE THE PLACE OF KNEELNOLOGY!!!! The Amighty God will soothe all,pains,hurts & aches;will give us wisdom to deal with issues beyond our control.

  13. effissyoluomo@rocketmail.com'

    olumide steve folaju

    June 17, 2010 at 12:29 am

    i love this poem to the end geebee this is a very special made and i will like to sue this opportunity to all you women out there who bealive hope has lost to pls check out the content and the quality of thiis poem.meditate on it,stick to it,but at the end,JOY!

  14. cmesimi@gmail.com'

    Younique Bard

    June 17, 2010 at 4:16 am

    Mrs B: – courtship brings out the best, marriage brings out the rest. If what you get in courtship is not ‘good enough’ for you, I’d advice you not to expect ‘better’ in marriage. People change and usually, it’s for the worse! BUt since you’re already a ‘victim’ pray. prayer moves the hands that rules the world, and God is the ONLY third party in a marriage that can make it work!

    Sister T: you are first a wife , then a mother. forget that you were ever a younger sister. marriage is a covenant. prioritize and save your marriage. no sentiments, even after the kids come, your husband is priority. (easier said than done, but my mother made it clear that she was first a wife before she became a mother. even though she loved us, she made it clear we came after her husband!)

    Missy K :- dont let your past hold you down dearie. concealed wounds fester … unforgiveness is like a clot in the artery. it hurts you more than the one you are unwilling to forgive. let everything go! besides as far as God is concerned, your mother is your mother and she deserves your honor.

    Daughter K: a secret between more than two people is no longer a secret but err … dunno about this one oh, I guess the man (your dad) STILL deserves your honor in spite of his ‘bad’ behavior, just as your mom… (wateva honor is in this case)… if any man lacks wisdom, let him ask … Ask God for wisdom dear ….

  15. cmesimi@gmail.com'

    Younique Bard

    June 17, 2010 at 4:28 am

    Sister T: the good thing about leaving and cleaving – to your spouse – is that after the kids are gone and your nest is empty again, it’d have been worth your while if you and your husband are still best friends and not just cordial. save your marriage my dear … let every other person sort their personal issues out. what if you wernt in Lagos? no sentiments abeg 🙂

  16. tosinigbinyemi@haoo.com'

    tosin

    June 17, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    mrs B: forget abt u dated for 1yr now and let’s face d issue on grd. take it to God in prayer, u have to av a relationship wit God to b able to sort out some issues. there nothing prayer cant do! it can change ur hubby totally.
    SisterT: u av to stand ur grd in ds case and dont let ur sis rule ur home, if she can abide wit it fine, if she cant, let her go b4 she will scatter tins for u
    Missy K: ur mother was wrong, but let it go. if she says sorry, fine, but if she doesnt, walk in love towards her. only dt u will know what to discuss wit her next time.then leave that area for a while.
    Daugther K: dre are some secret dt die wit one at times. if ur father has changed, let it b, but if not confront ur father openly, i mean in front of ur mother. but make sure u av evidences. at least apostle Paul did dat in the bible.

  17. modupeogundeji@yahoo.com'

    MODUPSIE

    June 19, 2010 at 9:36 am

    Mrs B!!! Haba, please ignore your husband and get on with your life, IF he loves you and he is there for you, you guys are happy…then forget that issue please, COMMUNICATE and discuss how to make compromises….
    Mrs.T- I mean in simple English, use your leg to boot your sister out quick before your husband boots the two of you out so fast..what are you thinking? Why would you agree to allow her stay in the first place? And even if you say its empathy, PLEASE, not for so long!!!!
    Missy K-I am so sorry for your ordeal which I believe must be traumatic, but please wake up as you are not in Desperate Housewives or any other series for that matter, this is AFRICA and here mothers do not apologies, if you wanted to keep it a secret you should not have told anyone. My take is that you should have gone to the Police Station first so they could try look for the rapist, now that its out in the open, look at the bright side and try and see how you can use your experience to help others, forgive your mum and just let it go, to big a weight to carry around!! Pele
    Daughter K- Forget it fast as opening such a can of worms on your mother will bring problems, but you must tell your dad to remember HIV and other sexually related diseases so he needs to becareful, its a big weight to carry but I tell you, keep it a secret and if you feel overwhelmed and you have a church, go speak to an adult in church or your pastor to seek advise. It is well….

  18. temitopethompson@yahoo.com'

    Tope

    July 9, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    I love that poem.Wonderful

  19. bukville@ymail.com'

    Buky Oj

    July 10, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Mrs B – A year of dating and by your own account, you knew he was secretive then. You went ahead and married him and expect him to change after. More effort should have been invested before you say I do. The purpose of dating is to get to know the strenghts and weaknesses of whom you are getting married to, know them and decided if you are still willing to marry them regardless. As women, we should count the cost before building not build first and count the cost later. There is only one perfect man. He’s name is Jesus not Husband.

  20. ogo.okonji@gmail.com'

    Ogochukwu

    July 15, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    I’m sorry I got here late but still….

    @MrsB: You’re married now and what we can do is help you manage the situation. Try to find a “good” time to speak with him and let him know how you feel. You’re his wife and you should know the best time to bring it up. If it is an issue for you, there’ll be no free flow of communication until you have both resolved the issue or reached a compromise. Sometimes, our backgrounds/upbringing forms strongholds in our minds and becomes directly responsible for how we behave. Find out if his upbringing has anything to do with this (maybe his mother betrayed his father’s trust etc). Another way to reach him might be through his closest friend or sibling. Discuss it with them and let them know your fears, they might be able to get the truth out of him on your behalf. But in doing that,also be careful who you tell and how you paint the picture so that he does not feel like you’re reporting him to them. God will grant you wisdom.

    @Sis T: Your family comes first….always! Your husband is uncomfortable…thats a sign that you need to act fast. Soon you’ll give him a reason for staying out of the house (or keeping late nights etc). Talk to your sister, let her know where your priority lies. My sister, after all has been said and done, you’re married to your husband (forever) and not your sister. God will give you strength.

    @MissK: Sweetheart, i can”t imagine how sad you’ll feel, after confiding in your mum and seeing all the trust thrown back in your face. But you know dear,our mums do not typically apologize. I’m sure she meant well when she told her friends about it, she was only trying to find help for her daughter. Speak with her and let her know how you feel. Also let her know you understand why she did what she did…and lets see how it goes from there. But staying away will totally be ineffective. Be strong.

    @DaughterK: Ha! This one na strong tin o. But the truth is, telling your mum will totally cause things to fly out of hand and you might blame yourself for whatever the outcome is. Yes, you owe it to her but wisdom is profitable in all things. Speak with your dad about it, let him tell you the history and how long he has been involved. Talk to someone you respect that does not know either of your parents…God will give you wisdom.

    The things people go through….!!!

  21. bolajuwon2002@yahoo.com'

    ayobola

    August 9, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    mrs B, we can only look for a way forward and not backward. it is true that all those should have been trashed in courtship but many changes happen in marriage too. but many suggestions have been put up here and you should learn from them.
    sister T, i told my husband your story and he said if it were him, you would meet your load and that of your sister outside. sorry to ask but does your mum really love your marriage? please put your house in order before your sister does it for you (in the wrong way).
    missy K, i think you need a break from this. go somewhere you can empty your mind and use it as a clean slate. am sure your mum meant no harm but when you get back from the vacation, have it at the back of your mind that nothing happened. forgive your mother, keep your head up high and live your life to the best. However, do not use this incident to make your life a horror (you know what am talking about) because other have gone through worse things.
    Daughter K, i think you should keep to yourself but if it happens again, match your dad to tell your mum.

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