I have incredibly supportive parents, I went to a good school, I have nice friends. My life is by no means flawless, in scheme of things I am very lucky. But ever since I was in elementary school I have been obsessed with my weight. I was “the fat girl”… I played the part well.
I was the fat funny girl. everything i said was a joke, and usually at my own expense. I hated that about myself and i still do. I hate most things about myself. It’s like there are two people inside my head. There is the logical me, the me that looks at myself in the mirror and says, “You are ok, you may not be a prom queen, but you are ok.” this side of me never wins. It is the illogical side of me that always wins the battle. the side that says over and over ” look at yourself, you are disgusting. you are fat, and short, and frizzy, ect.”
No matter how many people try to reassure me that i am average size, and that i am pretty, i never believe them. I am the fat girl. no matter how much weight i lose, or how many diets i go on… i am “The fat girl”
Everytime i pass anything reflective, i look at myself. and everytime i look at myself… i cringe. i hate the girl in the mirror. i am obsessed with my appearance, and it disgusts me… i make people uncomfortable by being so self-obsessed, and constantly putting myself down. A year ago i dealt with some self mutilation issues, and i believe it all stems from this distorted self image thing. it’s just so hard to see this person day after day looking back at me. i stopped now though, my mom says it was a phase.
I need help, i don’t know how to change how i view myself… how do i quiet the illogical voice and listen to the logical voice? how do i stop being so obsessed? how do i stop hating myself so much?
Writer – Marjorie as shared on Experience Project