Marriage could quite easily be a very challenging experience. Every day, in recent times all over the world, marriages fail more than they succeed. You have heard over and over again that marriage is a lifelong thing. Yet a popular saying in Nigeria goes, ‘If you rush in, you rush out’. Without doubt, that saying does hold sway.
No one ever goes into a marriage and then hopes it crashes. However, there are indicators to tell if that man is the one for you or not. Just because you have heard a countless times that marriage isn’t a bed of roses, doesn’t mean you can’t have or enjoy a fulfilling and blissful marriage.
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So here are 12 solid questions to pop to your man, before he walks you down the aisle.
1. Why Me?
While you begin to choose your wedding colours and ensembles, you must ask your partner why he decided to marry you. If physical attraction were removed from our relationship, what would be left? If I gain weight, would you still be attracted to me? Is my not been a virgin an issue to you? What would I do that would make you question my love for you? Love is never enough to make a marriage thrive; you need to figure that you both share the same core values and traits.
2. Do You Want Children, and How Many?
Know your partners stance on children. How many children does he want? How soon does he want them? What is his opinion on child spacing, family planning, exclusive breast feeding? Is he the chauvinistic type- one that feels that until he has a male child or enough male children, child bearing is not yet over? What if there’s delayed child bearing. Would he be willing to adopt a child? Would he like to raise his kids same way he was raised, raise them in a way that is completely different from how he was raised or a blend of both. What is his position on disciplining an erring child? This is one question you must put across to him and get his opinion on it before accepting a marriage proposal.
3. What will be the influence of your family on our marriage?
No woman wants to get married to a ‘mummy’s boy’, a man who is perpetually tied to his mother’s apron strings. Here in Nigeria, some in-laws (particularly his mother) are notoriously nosy. They are just a bunch of meddlesome lot. You certainly don’t want your mother-in-law running your home either remotely on in situ. Would we be having family members living with us? If relatives come for a visit, how long can they stay?
4. Do you have any negative habits?
Every one has got one bad habit or the other. You would want to find out if your prospective husband has got negative habits that are likely to affect your relationship. Is he into gambling? Does he have a drinking or drug problem? Was he convicted of a crime in the past? is he a compulsive buyer? Just one bad habit if not honestly admitted and addressed can ruin your marriage for life. And if you fail to ask him, chances are that he won’t volunteer the information on his own.
5. What Are Your Views On Money?
Money matters have been at the root of many a bitter divorce. Well defined financial goals and a clear cut strategy on how to meet them are imperatives to the health and survival of any relationship. What is his attitude towards saving and investment? It is very imperative for you to know how much he earns and also if he perchance is in debt, this would help you both know how to draw up your financial plan.
6. What Do You Think Makes One A Good Wife?
Your partner’s answer would serve as a check and balance for you. What are the things he expects from you as his prospective wife? How do you fit into his ‘big picture’? What’s on his shopping list when he went to the ‘wife market’? It would make you know whether there are areas you should work on, or whether you are right on track.
7. His past
Everybody has got a past. In fact there can’t be a present or future without one. So find out what his past was: are there things in his past you should know of? Would you feel attracted to your ex if you met her even though you say you’re strongly committed to me? Would your ex describe you as a violent person? What are your childhood experiences that significantly influence your attitude and behavior? If your ex was to draw up a list of your negative characters, what will it look like?
8. Are You Mentally, and Psychologically Ready For a Family?
Marriage is not for children. It isn’t enough for you to conclude that when a man has the resources to marry, he is ready in all aspect. You need to find out if he is ready to shoulder responsibilities of a father and husband. It’s not going to be all rosy. Would he be able to stand it when the challenges of marriage are thrown full in his face?
9. Are You Temperamental?
You no doubt have heard stories of men who beat and molest their wives. This is the time for you to know this. Much more than asking this question, you must be vigilant enough to observe how your partner handles arguments and quarrels.
10. Are You Homely?
Ask your partner if he is the type that sees nothing wrong in assisting with some house chores, especially when you are occupied with other things. Can you change diapers if I’m too busy or too tired? Can he cook if he gets home from work before you? Can he do your laundry? If you were to hand him the shopping list, would he glad run such little errands on your behalf? This is the person you’re considering building a home with. You need to know if he is the homely types before getting in.
11. Define forever, forgiveness and fidelity in your own words?
This is probably the most important question on the list. We are talking about marriage here and not a one night stand. You’ll need to know if he is ready to be with you (and you only)“till death do you part”. This is one area where you should show zero tolerance for cheats. You should be able to convince yourself that he’s not going to be sprouting mistresses everywhere he goes. You would also like to know if he would be quick to forgive and forget when you have misunderstandings and disagreements. The key word here is quick. Not one that would start a protracted cold war at the slightest disagreement after marriage.
12. What Is Your Stance On Divorce?
Does the thought of a divorce scare your man, or is he like other men who sees absolute nothing wrong in him leaving a woman when the chips are down for another? Are there things that you would do and he would begin to contemplate a divorce? What are they? You certainly would not like to be threatened with a divorce at the slightest quarrel.
No matter how many questions you ask, no matter how long you talk about it, there’s absolutely no way to get around the fear and uncertainty that comes with marriage. Remember that courtship is the time for you both to know and learn each other’s strength and weakness. It is no time to have all the sex in the world and forget what makes him tick. So if you’re considering marriage, the above represents some 12 serious questions you should ask your man before saying “I do”.
Writer: Ifeanyi Egede is an experienced and prolific freelance writer with several years of writing for both online and print media.
Picture credit: Ali Express
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