Marriage

“Nigerian Women Need Affection Not Romance”…Ladies, Do You Agree?

   

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Yesterday, when I took my kids out for some pizza and ice-cream, I bumped into a friend’s husband. He was having a meal (not just any meal, a dish) all by himself and I asked him why he was ‘enjoying’ all by himself! He replied that he gives himself a treat once in a while. And I told him how I thought that was selfish of him considering the fact he was married. I asked if he ever thought of including his wife once in a while in this his ‘enjoyment’. And he said No. In all my many years of marriage, I have never actually thought of taking myself out until I noticed my very own ‘oga’ didn’t have issues giving himself a treat. And so I said to myself, “Why should I now be the one to slack?”

The conversation did not end there O! After I told him that his behaviour was very selfish and unromantic, he started ‘vexing’ and ‘vomiting’ that I sounded just like his wife! I said you see, so it’s not like I am just opening my mouth to talk. I asked him if he had ventured inviting his wife for this his ‘enjoyment’ and he said if he had asked her, she would have said she was busy! “Did you ask?” is the issue here…but No! I then asked him when last he did something romantic for his dear wife and that was when my friend’s husband decided to give me an ‘inaugural lecture on the difference between ROMANCE and AFFECTION!

Listen up wives, but in this case, look up and read well…Nigerian women do not need romance but affection. Women should stop asking for romance like teenagers, that what we really need is affection. Romance does not mean love but affection portrays it. That we should stop asking for ‘things’ that will not be beneficial to us and the rest of the family!I then asked him to differentiate between romance and affection.

This is what he had to say…Romance is just a temporary thing and sometimes a one-off excitement that cannot relieve his wife of stress. But in affection, he is able to cater to the needs of his wife, domestically and otherwise. Expressions of affection and not romance, are loving actions. The more of it, the better. He said he would rather offer a helping hand in domestic crisis when she calls for assistance, praise her when he feels she is doing well in her ‘department’ and keep her company if need be but as for showing romance…it’s a “No No!” Only teenagers do that!*Can you imagine?!*

I don’t see anything wrong in having both AFFECTION AND ROMANCE in the marriage. Having a spark once in a while is not a bad thing and being at my beck and call…doubly fantastic!

After all said and done, my dear friend’s husband got up and said he was off to watch a movie…all by himself! And in my bewildered state, I replied, “I hope you don’t enjoy the movie!”

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Writer: Chidimma Ajayi blogs at http://naijahousewife.blogspot.com/, the blog is dedicated to all the Nigerian women out there and will be used as a medium to highlight some, most or if not all of the challenges they go through in their homes as well as their lives. Follow her on twitter @naijahousewife

 

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7 Comments

7 Comments

  1. honeygirl_6000@yahoo.ca'

    jane

    July 22, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    I find that a lot of men in general are selfish but particularly lots of African men are selfish. I find it hard dating them cause they are not the best at being romantic. Only one out of the several nigerian men i dated had a clue about how to express romance..i am nigerian but now prefer to date outside because of this.

  2. tessadoghor@gmail.com'

    Theresa Doghor

    July 22, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    This is what I believe
    God will give every woman the right man for her
    I am pretty demanding and I think if I get a quiet understanding, sensitive husband, he will be better for me.
    I seem to lock horns with the outgoing, choleric ones
    They want me quiet and I just am not quiet anymore
    God knows best sha

    http://www.udookonjo.com

  3. ladyjennies@yahoo.com'

    Jen Poet

    July 22, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    LOL @ last paragraph. But it is really sad o. I hope this is just a one off thing… a spouse shouldn’t go off enjoying alone and calling it a treat.

  4. eddieagema@yahoo.com'

    su'eddie

    July 22, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Ah! Sad…
    I hope that things get better and that some of us don’t end like that o…
    Not fair!

  5. oludasnatch@gmail.com'

    OluKay

    July 23, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    I know the question of this article is aimed at the ladies BUT maybe a perspective from a man might be useful here. I consider myself a loving, affectionate and yes, even romantic, husband and caring and attentive father. And guess what? Every once in a while, i need some ME time without the darling wife! You need to understand that men and women are wired very differently. You are wired to talk, we are wired to act. Culturally, we are primed to provide. You don’t know how much that husband you so unfairly castigated here has been giving to his wife on an ongoing basis – financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, sexually. You don’t know how little he gives to himself. I know brothers who spend every single penny of their income on their wives and children. They don’t complain about it, it is their duty. I know brothers who once a month make it a point to but something non-essential for themselves, be it just a shirt, just to prove to themselves that they are leaving a little bit for themselves too. So if a brother in this case decides that he is taking himself for some me-time of a meal and movie, don’t judge hastily. You don’t know what he has bought for her in the back of his car that day. You don’t know if he is the kind of man who likes watching movies in silence. You don’t know if he has booked her a trip to Dubai that he will not be accompanying her on. I can guarantee that he will go back home a happier, more relaxed man, and his wife will be the main beneficiary of that. In fact, GUESS WHAT? I would go so far as to say that every woman who wants a happy, healthy relationship should encourage their husbands to take some time for himself every once in a while. Trust me, most men will appreciate this so much you will get exponential benefits out of it. And as for his comment about difference between romance and affection, I do not necessarily agree that these need to be mutually exclusive, but again i see his point in prioritising affection over romance. Do you know how many husbands are into grand gestures but domestic abuse? That you see the flashy car he bought his wife, or the valentines day life-sized card and cake, yet when the doors close, the woman’s life is made a total misery? I can guarantee you that there are far more of them than you would believe. Ladies, if you have a choice of a man who will do the intermittent romantic gesture and shows no real affection or appreciation for you and another who places you and your ongoing needs as a priority – GO FOR THE LATTER! If this is a scale with affection at one end and romance on the other, let your own scales tip towards affection. All that glitters is not gold. Those who have ears, let them hear.

  6. sylviacheeky2k@yahoo.com'

    Sylvia

    August 1, 2014 at 11:34 am

    I quite agree with Olukay. Sometimes, men need space to probably clear their heads. In a situation where the wife is always stuffing him, he gets tired and irritated. Sometimes, they want to feel young and free, but its just for a moment. Women should try to give their men space when they need it, and i bet the woman will be thankful and happy for that.

  7. babestellforever@yahoo.com'

    babestell

    November 19, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Why don’t women give themselves “me time”. Why do we always feel that we have to be there for everybody. I am not married but I plan that when i have kids , once a month, I will dump them with their father or whoever and go out and enjoy myself. I won’t deny my husband his own time too.
    The OP would be correct in scolding if the said husband didn’t do anything at all with his wife, But I guess they do stuff together. So him wanting sometime to himself is not bad.

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