By Nkechi Ajayi
Dinner – Check
Dishes – Check
Doors – Check
Trash – Check
All that was left was a nice warm shower and then snuggle in to bed; another great day had come to an end.
Mike was in the toilet, I could hear him whistling a ridiculous number as he did his business, I undressed and just as I grabbed the towel off the bed, his phone fell.
I picked it up and pressed a button to ensure that nothing had gone bad, and was relieved when the lights came on. One of his constant habits is dumping his phone after reading an sms without exiting the page. I was about to press the exit button when I caught the words…”I’m home now…” so I proceeded to read it
“Oga mi, I’m home now, phew, what an exhausting ride.., Have you had dinner?, guess you’d be turning in soon, see you at work tomorrow and regards to ur wife”.
I smiled and returned the phone to its pouch.
The text was from Evelyn, his subordinate at work…and for me; this had gone on for 3months too long…
For some of us married gals, this scenario may seem familiar, the spouse isn’t cheating, nah…not at all,
“this other person is just a colleague at work, a member of the same unit in church, a fellow volunteer at the orphanage…a harmless other, nothing at all in-between, not ever has there been a night out, a stolen kiss, an inappropriate hug or lingering handshake…nothing”
….That’s how we explain it when the wife gives us the…”what’s with the over familiarity” look…..in fact, most of our men, even when they are not guilty, once you just ask…”what was that about”…ghen ghen!! (cue tense music)… defenses are up.
“We were just talking o, there’s nothing, she’s just concerned cos I had a headache at work earlier. it’s just her nature, she’s just generally caring. Haba, but you know she has a guy she is dating….”
Guy…Chill, its not the Spanish inquisition, we just wanna know where to place the babe.
She’s not the other woman, she’s not a bitch, she’s not a snatcher, she’s not a home-wrecker…she’s just the girl who wishes her “man” was as perfect as your husband, or she’s the friend to your husband, who is yet to find another man that understands her and can advise her the way your husband used to….before he got married.
Problem is, while clueless hubby is just being a friend, lil miss “just a friend” is setting her heart up for major confusion, and if she’s not wise enough to learn where to draw the line, someday…maybe when she’s lonely, or when she just gets dumped, or when she’s majorly frustrated with life, or maybe even when she’s just tired of waiting on her man to step up and be man like yours is, shit is going to hit the fan, and God help you if hubby doesn’t have his umbrella up at that point cos shit is going to splatter all over him like fruit juice in an open blender.
Plus, someday “husband man”, those late night “counseling sessions” you honestly and innocently have, advising her on her love life after group vigil in church, might turn ugly …maybe on the night when she’s so overwhelmed with “issues”
Truth is, we never plan for stuff to happen sometimes, but the wise ones understand that in life, prevention is better than cure.
So, set boundaries, let the other person understand that it can be a tad bit inappropriate to keep tabs on the well being of a married person, that’s one of the perks of marriage after-all, so, he’s covered, thank you, and if he’s not….well, that’s a story for another day….(Wife of that man O.Y.O lo wa o).
Don’t encourage the other person…as silly as it sounds, sometimes we women just feel, “well if he isn’t pulling away, its because he likes the attention, maybe he needs more TLC, awwww, if only his wife understood how much he deserves it and more“.
And most importantly, don’t set your emotions up for being tested, at some point, you and wifey might have a fall out, most likely, at that point, you would be vulnerable…there’s so much that can go on in a vulnerable heart, so as much as you trust yourself, guard your heart with all diligence.
And wifey, it’s okay to let him know you ain’t comfy with a certain relationship, now this part is tricky, cos some of us are just generally insecure or possessive (jealous). Being any of this can lead us to deal with matters in an immature manner and push our spouse away, but, if we are not any of the two, a calm discuss should pass the right message across.
Bottom line….in the issue of friendship with another person’s spouse..both the “be-friender” and the “be-friended” should learn where to draw the boundary lines…..Have a great weekend y’all, don’t we all deserve to do just that?
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PS:….I’m no marriage counselor, just a married gal sharing my own point of view ;).
Writer: Nkechi Ajayi is a blogger at http://jhazmyn.blogspot.com/, she is an architect, lover of God, life and music.