Marriage

When We Share Close Friendship With Another Person’s Spouse, Where Should We Draw The Line?

   

couples copy

 By Nkechi Ajayi

Dinner – Check

Dishes – Check

Doors – Check

Trash – Check

All that was left was a nice warm shower and then snuggle in to bed; another great day had come to an end.

Mike was in the toilet, I could hear him whistling a ridiculous number as he did his business, I undressed and just as I grabbed the towel off the bed, his phone fell.

I picked it up and pressed a button to ensure that nothing had gone bad, and was relieved when the lights came on. One of his constant habits is dumping his phone after reading an sms without exiting the page. I was about to press the exit button when I caught the words…”I’m home now…” so I proceeded to read it

 “Oga mi, I’m home now, phew, what an exhausting ride.., Have you had dinner?, guess you’d be turning in soon, see you at work tomorrow and regards to ur wife”.

I smiled and returned the phone to its pouch.

The text was from Evelyn, his subordinate at work…and for me; this had gone on for 3months too long…

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For some of us married gals, this scenario may seem familiar, the spouse isn’t cheating, nah…not at all,

“this other person is just a colleague at work, a member of the same unit in church, a fellow volunteer at the orphanage…a harmless other, nothing at all in-between, not ever has there been a night out, a stolen kiss, an inappropriate hug or lingering handshake…nothing”

….That’s how we explain it when the wife gives us the…”what’s with the over familiarity” look…..in fact, most of our men, even when they are not guilty, once you just ask…”what was that about”…ghen ghen!! (cue tense music)… defenses are up.

“We were just talking o, there’s nothing, she’s just concerned cos I had a headache at work earlier. it’s just her nature, she’s just generally caring. Haba, but you know she has a guy she is dating….”

Guy…Chill, its not the Spanish inquisition, we just wanna know where to place the babe.

She’s not the other woman, she’s not a bitch, she’s not a snatcher, she’s not a home-wrecker…she’s just the girl who wishes her “man” was as perfect as your husband, or she’s the friend to your husband, who is yet to find another man that understands her and can advise her the way your husband used to….before he got married.
Problem is, while clueless hubby is just being a friend, lil miss “just a friend” is setting her heart up for major confusion, and if she’s not wise enough to learn where to draw the line, someday…maybe when she’s lonely, or when she just gets dumped, or when she’s majorly frustrated with life, or maybe even when she’s just tired of waiting on her man to step up and be man like yours is, shit is going to hit the fan, and God help you if hubby doesn’t have his umbrella up at that point cos shit is going to splatter all over him like fruit juice in an open blender.

SEE ALSO: My Husband Is My Boyfriend On Facebook, Whatsapp & BBM And He Does Not Know It!

Plus, someday “husband man”, those late night “counseling sessions” you honestly and innocently have, advising her on her love life after group vigil in church, might turn ugly …maybe on the night when she’s so overwhelmed with “issues”

Truth is, we never plan for stuff to happen sometimes, but the wise ones understand that in life, prevention is better than cure.

So, set boundaries, let the other person understand that it can be a tad bit inappropriate to keep tabs on the well being of a married person, that’s one of the perks of marriage after-all, so, he’s covered, thank you, and if he’s not….well, that’s a story for another day….(Wife of that man O.Y.O lo wa o).

Don’t encourage the other person…as silly as it sounds, sometimes we women just feel, “well if he isn’t pulling away, its because he likes the attention, maybe he needs more TLC, awwww, if only his wife understood how much he deserves it and more“.

And most importantly, don’t set your emotions up for being tested, at some point, you and wifey might have a fall out, most likely, at that point, you would be vulnerable…there’s so much that can go on in a vulnerable heart, so as much as you trust yourself, guard your heart with all diligence.

And wifey, it’s okay to let him know you ain’t comfy with a certain relationship, now this part is tricky, cos some of us are just generally insecure or possessive (jealous). Being any of this can lead us to deal with matters in an immature manner and push our spouse away, but, if we are not any of the two, a calm discuss should pass the right message across.

Bottom line….in the issue of friendship with another person’s spouse..both the “be-friender” and the “be-friended” should learn where to draw the boundary lines…..Have a great weekend y’all, don’t we all deserve to do just that?

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PS:….I’m no marriage counselor, just a married gal sharing my own point of view ;).

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Writer: Nkechi Ajayi is a blogger at http://jhazmyn.blogspot.com/, she is an architect, lover of God, life and music.

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9 Comments

9 Comments

  1. Omoteedlaw@gmail.com'

    Omotee

    May 9, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Thank u!

    Lots of people don’t get this esp men and I wonder why not, it’s not rocket science nah!

    Hubby and I have had 2 issues. One was a colleague at work. How did i know? He goes “sisi is so confused, she needs help with this…..” etc. and yes, I read his chats. I know d lecture on this issue so let’s make it another topic. I don’t hate her and I didn’t think anything was going on. I just didn’t like the closeness and I voiced it out. Now she has a boyfriend so thankfully the sun doesnt rise out of hubby’s bottom anymore.

    Other chic was an ex who was refusing to move on. She always needed his opinion, and at 12am! Even to piss sef, she go ask his advice. Hian, MBA o! Hubby is sure of his intentions and he doesn’t think she wants to scatter our marriage. Ngwanu. I hear. But I no gree. As ur wife, am legally allowed to object to these things and as long as there’s a marriage, my opinion must count.

    That’s how we resolved it. Call it harsh or insecure. I like to call it guarding and saving my marriage.

  2. djhazmyn@yahoo.com'

    jhazmyn

    May 9, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    Hahaha!!! Omotee, your response had me in stitches, but I totally get the point.

    Bottom line is, people should actually learn where to draw the line and respect boundaries, that’s all. As for the resolution you came to, I don’t think its harsh at all.

    • ademola.abejoye@yahoo.com'

      Baba Bose

      October 16, 2015 at 5:49 am

      Babes, nice piece. More ink go your pen and may the inspiration flow to write even more….. Proud of ya…

  3. onepageafrica@gmail.com'

    debby baro

    May 12, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    All so right Nkechi. Thanks for sharing this. People may not ordinarilly have planned for an ungly end from a ‘harmless’ friendship, but it is better to define the boundries so that true friendship can last.

  4. ayoaces@yahoo.com'

    Ayo

    October 20, 2014 at 11:41 am

    I do not see why another woman should be asking my husband if he has eaten. its not your business…

  5. bussywuzzy@gmail.com'

    fluffycutething

    October 27, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Not sure why i found this post very amusing LOL Omotee’s response had been rolling on the floor.

    Na God go help we married women and all the attendant issues marriage brings

  6. olufeyikemib5@gmail.com'

    Cheal

    October 17, 2015 at 6:39 pm

    I love this piece .men are generally clueless about this fact and so we can save a lot of troubles by discussing it. I had this all covered up girl on my hubby n the story goes like she s got issues wt her bf n my own hubby doing counselling. when we couldn’t talk thru wt hubby as I had actually been a cool person letting him do what he likes..He was suprised that I was concerned n he dismissed it advising me not to put on a new character I didn’t have before.i had to start praying and as God would have it,d hijab sister had to come do something in my office n since we know each other from dp, she asked if I was wife of so n so ,wt my yes .-she reels -madam,yur hubby is a nice man this n that – I slipped her a note..be a nice girl and stop getting attention of another babes man. ..she showed d note to my hubby n he then realised how I really feel n luckily the girl got transfered out of that location. Some pple just lack basic etiquette n since men are entertainment prone thus drawing them to variety. .We shd watch out and caution them and pray n bliv n b gentle for things to work out.

  7. Azpra4u@gmail.com'

    Praise

    December 9, 2015 at 6:06 pm

    Hahahhaha…lovely….that alone has wrecked many marriages…Paranoid and over reacting wives or too loose and “we are just friends” husbands…God bless

  8. Anthonia@blackcleopatra.com'

    Anthonia

    January 15, 2016 at 5:59 pm

    Great post! Ironic because I was just discussing this topic earlier on today. I am currently reading Chimamanda Adichie’s ‘Americanah’ and was amused by the following passage in it:

    ‘She had in the years since they got married grown an intemperate dislike of single women and an intemperate love of God…’

    Whether you are the married woman or the single girl, God give us the wisdom to conduct ourselves appropriately.

    Nice work woman.ng

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