It Happened To Me

Divorced, Single And Back To Dating – Tale Alimi

   

black-couple-at-bar

When I was younger, meeting guys and dating was so much fun!

I loved the exhilarating feeling I got preparing for a first date. I remember giggling with my friends as we exchanged notes about where we went for the first kiss. We tried not to go further than that because we were ‘good girls’.

After a not so happy never-after and a few unsuccessful relationships, the thought of meeting the next guy or going out on dates makes me panic a bit.

I’m sitting on a flight from Houston to Las Vegas now, looking at the view of the Grand Canyon and wondering; what has changed? I am confronting my self and doing some soul searching…. Why do I want to hang my dating boots? Why am I in such a hurry to convert Mr right now to Mr right? Why do I have a marriage deadline in my heart, subtly pressuring me to settle for Mr good and not hold out for Mr great? Because my biological clock is ticking?

As I try to figure out the answers, I know a few things that have changed for me. From when I was in my teens and twenties, to now that I’m in my thirties. Some of them are:

I have become more calculating and risk averse: I used to be open to date anyone (well except criminals and atheists)! Wasn’t dating supposed to be a big adventure? So, from the party animal, to the serious minded doctor, I was open for the next adventure. I had time anyway. Now dates are more calculated and as much as I enjoyed my brief time with Mr biker recently, I am not just as adventurous as I used to be.

Once beaten, a dozen times shy: Failed relationships are painful enough, but dating after a failed marriage turns you to a psychologist. You begin to psycho analyze every man you date, trying to see if he has traits that your ‘ex’ had. What is supposed to be a nice easy date turns to a defensive tackle of trying to ensure you don’t make the same mistake again!

My expectations are higher: And they should be, because I am a high value ‘5 star woman’. Seriously though, it used to be okay if he forgot to call me or showed up late, or maybe didn’t show up at all! Now, it’s not okay anymore. Dating a high value woman like me means getting with the program, lol! I almost hear some people saying “You will wait O!” or in pidgin English – “You go tey!”

I give what I am getting: When I was younger, I fell in love and out of love quite easily. My emotions were a jumbled mass of indecision. Now, I think I am more controlled. Yes, I am still affected by sweet words from a man, but I am learning to look at his actions also, as an indication of real character. And this of course leads to quite a bit of elimination.

Now that I have shared the why, does it make it easier? No, it doesn’t, but at least I have confronted my uncertainties and I have to find ways to enjoy the process until ‘Mr right ‘ shows up. And I remain a fabulous 5 star woman even if he doesn’t!

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Writer: Tale Alimi  is a Business growth consultant & coach with an expertise in helping businesses grow their revenues.  She is also committed to inspiring cosmopolitan African women to achieve their highest potential through her platform; thefivestarwoman.com.

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. re_thots@yahoo.com'

    Rethots

    October 13, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    “I give what I am getting” makes it sound like ‘contract or business’ dating.

    However, based on the topic “Divorced…..and Back to Dating” i would subscribe to purposeful dating, not leaving anything to assumption (or even presumption).

    To be clear about what one wants, indulging (very necessary) the other to also express what they want, then, realistically assessing if both are on the same path.

    One”s giving (in a relationship) shouldn’t be conditional on what one gets rather, it should be an expression of who one is.

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