Written by Nina
I slept late last night, which is nothing new. I sleep late every night. Last night however, was different. Let me explain.
The past few months have been terribly sad for me. I smiled a lot during the day. At night, I wake up coughing only to realize I’m choking on my own spit. I’d been crying hence the reason for all the spit in my mouth. (I know! Disgusting) then I ask myself what the reason for the crying is and I come to the conclusion that I’m very unhappy. Contrary to what we all know and have been taught, I have placed a lot of my happiness and well being in the hands of others. I had been happy because certain people were in my life. Now they’re gone. How in the world did I ever think we would be friends forever?
The say people enter your life for reason or season and er… what’s the other one again? Well whatever. You’re supposed to just roll with the punches when they walk out on you regardless of what you feel. I’ve always wondered how someone who says they love you can suddenly not love you anymore. How easy it is to take all the affection they showered on you and pour it in buckets on someone else. The painful part is watching it happen and knowing without a doubt that you’ve been shut out completely. You’d like to complain but what good would it do? You’re out and you’re out. You find yourself being miserable all the time. But if you’re like me, then you have that smile that masks everything. Lucky me.
You smile when you see them down the street in your local drugstore knowing full well that they won’t stop over to say hello. You smile when they say hello to you like an ordinary acquaintance, as if you were never close. You even smile when you see their profile updates on facebook or that dreadful device people “ping” on nowadays.( Topic: Social media as a torture tool). You smile till it hurts to smile and then you pray that night comes so you can sleep and hope that when morning comes you’ll be closer to not giving a hoot about them. They’ve gone on to live their lives so why shouldn’t I? If only it were that easy.
On my way out of the office yesterday, I got a ride from a friend of mine. He somehow noticed that my smile was a mask. He took a peek underneath. I poured everything out. Gosh! It felt good to let go. The worst kind of pain is the one you can’t talk to anyone about. That burden you bear all on your own. It’s like a cancer with all its glorified stages. It eats you up slowly. Talking about it helped I didn’t even cry.
This morning I woke up feeling different. I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night again. I slept like a baby. No choking. I woke up feeling like a change has come. I still remember but I don’t mind anymore. It feels like things will get better. Soon I might just not remember any of this ever happened and all will be well again. Somewhere inside I still hurt. It’s natural, I tell myself. Soon I’ll feel nothing. I’m going to be happy again
Dear reader, I know what you’re dying to ask. Am I a woman? Yes. I’m a very tired woman. Is all this jargon about a man? …but of course it’s about a man. Ok, you say. Did he leave you for another woman after telling you he loved you? If you skipped the first three paragraphs you wouldn’t ask that. (Climb back up the page will you!). Did you love him? My answer would have to be “Very much”.
Writer: Nina likes to write. She loves to read and has great love for gadgets. She lives and works in the FCT.
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