If you were to ask me about 8 years ago, what my image of my ideal man was, I would have most likely gone with the clichéd -tall, dark and handsome. Well, I got at least two of that specifications and found that the last one did not really matter. However, what I should have said, which was really at the back of my mind was to know that my spouse would never cheat on me. That he would remain faithful regardless of circumstances.
You see, around the time, I met my husband, a family friend, whose baby I was a practically a nanny to, when she was at work had just left her husband. He cheated on her with their neighbour’s teenage daughter. It was a terrible blow for her. And she did not take it well at all. It spelled the end of their four year marriage, which produced two girls.
The girl in question was this woman’s favourite person in the house, because she was a nice and quiet girl, who never tried to blend in as teenagers were wont to do and her strict Christian background also helped to cement their relationship. That might have been what her husband saw too and decided to get a bit of the nice girl. Immediately she got pregnant for the husband, she became haughty towards the wife. At first she was taken aback by the behaviour of the girl and even attempted to talk to her privately, which was firmly rebuffed.
So, when the bubble burst and the parents of the girl informed her that their daughter was pregnant for her husband, it became really clear the reason for the recent behaviour of the girl. It was a messy situation and as we were close to both parties, my parents and I got to hear all sorts. We were practically asked to pick whose side we were on as their marriage unravelled.
Till date, whenever she speaks about her ex husband, she would end it with, “I still cannot believe that he cheated me. I gave him my all, everything, even in the bedroom, I was a whore, because I wanted to satisfy him but then, what did I get? He slept with a girl I was feeding.” She was so bitter about her lost marriage.
And that framed my mind for a while about what marriages were about, I saw pain, I saw disloyalty and selfishness. At almost the same time, a friend of mine struggled with her marriage, because her husband had taken to sampling the young ladies about town. She was a young lady in her very early twenties, and very good looking, despite having had two kids in quick succession back then and all of a sudden, she could not hold her husband’s attention in the bedroom, which was a major cause for concern.
While no one would come out and tell you that they cheated on their spouse; the truth, researchers have found is that 30 to 50 percent of men and 20 to 40 percent of women are unfaithful. That is a worrying percentage and how do you know for sure that your partner would cheat or not, given there are no specifics? Well, there are certain characteristics of a person that would come in handy to determine, if they are predisposed to be unfaithful or not.
One personality trait is their usage of ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ when discussing your relationship. That shows that your partner places value on the intimacy and love within your relationship and will gladly take steps to ensure that it is not tampered with.
Your partner does not keep secrets. If you are with someone who tells you all his secrets, then you should know that, you might have struck gold, because you will know the moment they start censoring what they tell, which could save the day and your relationship. But if you are very good at keeping secrets and your partner too is a spy agent, that is a very good breeding ground for infidelity to thrive.
On the other hand, if he likes your friend but keeps his distance from them, know he is a smart guy, who is guiding his heart and his loins jealously. Friends of a lady have been known to fight over who was getting more attention from their friend’s husband. So, if he does not involve with them, when you are not around, he knows his boundary so please, don’t go hassling him about being withdrawn, as long as he is not withdrawn towards you.
If your partner understands that a good sex life is important, then they get a higher score of the fidelity scale. It is easier to cheat, if you are not getting enough bedroom action, especially, if you have had a fairly regular sexual life in the past. It is a big deal if it stops and that can be a pointer that your partner is getting their satisfaction elsewhere.
Also, if they don’t talk about their old flames in a nostalgic way, they get an even higher score. Because, your partner is more likely to cheat with an old flame than with someone they just met. It is the familiarity that exists there, that makes it easy to cheat. But, if your partner has firmly annihilated any feeling for their ex and do not put themselves, knowingly in a position that will warrant them to deal with the ex, then, you can be rest assured that their fidelity score is indeed high.
A word of caution though, while I would like to think that most men with these traits would never cheat, there are always exception to the rules. We all humans and that come with it’s own complexities. However, when your partner has most of these traits then you can be sure that you have got a decent one.
Infidelity leaves a trail of broken hearts in its wake, it need not be yours.
Kristine is a member of the The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to. She blogs at thelovelint.com
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