It’s quite interesting how you have the nerve to cheat on your wife and still have that audacity to make her feel guilty for or about it. It’s so funny to rub your infidelity in her face yet make her feel terrible and then you try and make a flimsy excuse or lie and in turn making her look like a fool? Who are you kidding? Yourself? Her? Or your creator?
5years ago, you were busy making your feelings and intentions known, you were on the chase looking for a way to get what you claimed then that you would cherish and nourish!
You went through the process of withstanding abusive words and constant shouting yet you stood there with the determination of getting what you want.
1st year into the marriage u let things go smoothly, we both enjoyed it didn’t we? So what changed? What exactly changed?
I am tired of being married to a man who says one thing and does another. I am tired of being yelled at daily for no apparent reason. I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating myself on sight. I am tired of being unsure of myself. I am tired of feeling alone when I should be with someone who loves me. I am tired of being the maid. I am tired of my whining. I don’t know what to do. I spend most days doing stuff to avoid thinking. I read, watch stuff on TVs and waste hours on bbm and facebook. I don’t want to be this person.
I know I can’t go back but some days I wish for a time machine. I need to smack some sense into myself before my life crumbles right in front of me. I cannot change the past but I wish I could. I want to move forward and take whatever life dishes out but I have no strength left. I am someone’s wife, the someone who doesn’t care about my feelings, someone who doesn’t want anything good from me, someone who is ashamed to call me his wife. But I cannot just bail on life because it isn’t what I want it to be. I just need to vent a little. Please keep any negative thoughts on this to yourself because I am already my biggest critic.
How in the world’s name did I find myself in this prison called marriage? This I ask myself each day, hour, moment… Why me? Why him for me?, why this? What do I want? ANSWERS when do I need them? NOW but who is ready to give it to me?
He was never like this, he isn’t the same man that I fell in love with. What went wrong? What snapped? I have no idea.I see everything that shows exactly how unfaithful you are, I confront you for it and then you make it about me? You make me feel worthless, useless. What have I done? You treat me like I wasn’t the same woman you chased 5years ago, You treat me like I am not the mother of those two beautiful kids, You treat me like I’m nothing worthy to grace this earth? You treat me like I wasn’t born of a woman, You treat me like I’m the least person who deserves a spot in life.
My heart is so heavy, I have searched for tears but none has showed, I have sang songs of pains but I find no rhythm, you make my world feel blank.
I look back and remember what we used to be. The kisses, holding of hands, shy smiles, confidence and anticipation, human contact, sheer joy of you coming home from work, all so far away now, it’s like being on a little dingy having slowly drifted so far away from shore that the lights of land are a mere speck and I wonder how I got there and I feel nothing all over again.
The memories of what we used to be become questioned, I wonder if it was ever real, now I forget what it felt like to be loved and this place that we are now makes me pray every single day. Time came and went and when it left it took everything with it. All that remains are things you make me feel just to hurt me, make me see the stark reality of where I am and where I will never be again…..no matter how hard I try or how much I fight or believe….years of keeping a good mind set I see for myself are all but useless.
This was truly over before it began. This is a painful, painful place to be. I hate it. I hate every minute of it. I am alone even when you are here, I just do whatever I can to take my mind of off what is my reality. The Kisses? I remember them. Vaguely because it’s been so long. So, before I go to sleep, I will once again pray for mercy. I will pray for my home as I await the keys to unlock this mystery and ease the huge pain in my heart.
Writer: Oluwadamilare Awe