Something that seems to be coming up a lot with my friends in their late 20’s and older is “Tokunbo Spouses.” Let me define a Tokunbo Spouse – someone that has been married before, but chose to leave that union for whatever reason and is now remarrying again. Tokunbo spouse is not a condemnation in this post, it was just the quickest phrase that came to mind.
A lot of women I know on the dating scene or relationship scene who are 27 and above for the most part seem to be encountering these Tokunbo husbands or potentials very easily. Now many of these women have never been married for whatever reasons, and are expected to just accept that these guys that have either been married and have a bunch of kids are toasting or wanting to marry them.
I encountered one guy like who had one child and was divorced, he kept acting like he was doing me a favour. And I kept asking myself that If I didn’t plunge into just any relationship and procreate by 30, why do I deserve such qualities in a man? I have a friend in her late 30’s who keeps encountering these men who believe they are doing her a favour – but I am like “they have serious a baggage.’
The problem with baggage is that a lot of these men don’t deal with it remotely well, and you will never be a priority if the said man has 3 children from a prior situation, its even selfish to think you will be the first priority in his life.
Now someone else laid out a theory, why this phenomenon of Tokunbo spouses as the greater option exists for women at a certain age – women’s pickiness when they are in their earlier years 28 or less- that inability to stop seeking perfection, and after that, the willingness to accept anybody. The men, in their haste to create families by the time they are 30, go ahead and marry their girlfriends who they don’t necessarily have anything in common with, procreate and after a few years move along.
Now shouldn’t a 38 year old woman be entitled to a 38 year old man with no baggage? Someone said that a 38 year old unmarried man/ woman is a flag. That there has been something wrong in the person’s decision making process in the past, if from all the people you’ve met, not even one was worthy?
What were they doing that at that age that they haven’t even attempted marriage? At least they would truly have been equally yoked with a Tokunbo spouse at the 38 year old mark so to speak.
Somehow I find it a bit odd that high flying women who hit 28 and upwards are stuck with the option of being a step mum to a man with 4 kids because they want to settle down, especially when they have never been married or have no kids. For me, there are several implications when you have never been married and enter into marriage with someone who has been married prior to the relationship – the playing field is extremely uneven in terms of expectations, experiences and priorities.
Please share your thoughts on the issue.