Team Snoop Where Are You?




By Seun Akinlosotu

Today, we are talking about snooping on the BAE. And in case you don’t know what BAE means: Before Anyone Else. You’re welcome.

If you have a spouse, chances are that at some point during your relationship you may have suspected BAE was up to something – probably because of some questionable behavior like suddenly being secretive, locking phones, whispering during phone calls, taking calls in the bathroom, sleeping with the phone under the pillow, behaving weird after you both run into another girl, spending more and more time at the office, “with the boys”, reading\sending messages with the phone nearly touching their eyeballs, etc.

Yeah, if your man or woman has been doing any of this, you probably have been inclined to find out why – in other words, Snoop.

I’m not really a fan of snooping honestly but there are some times when snooping just comes and meet you where you were minding your business. I generally feel what I don’t know won’t kill me – even though that sounds ridiculous even to my own ears. I just don’t want wahala abeg. I don’t have the energy to argue, fight, put on my googles and be James Bonding behind anybody. I just would rather not. I know myself very well. If I start from clue number one I will follow it to the very end and it will end with my heart in pieces. Therefore I stay away from snooping.

My pastor on the other hand disagrees. A couple of Sundays ago, my pastor was preaching and then as he does sometimes he digressed into relationship matters. He mentioned how some women go after a man knowing fully well the man is married, and the wife at home will be there crying. “Crying for WHAT?? You better pray to God to break that other woman’s leg.

Or you don’t know God can do it?” He had in an earlier service mentioned that you should ask God to take the other woman’s job or income away but he quickly recanted because a jobless woman is really the devil’s workshop. She would now really have time for your husband so its better God breaks her leg instead. I don’t know of many, if any one legged mistresses.

I remember a relationship I was in some years ago – one that I really didn’t even want to be in but sort of got cornered into it and I was a lot sweeter back then (you people have turned me into something else as I’ve grown older). Anyways, I traveled for a couple of weeks and during that period the guy was being incommunicado. Person that would call me every hour practically and would barely let me out of his sight was suddenly hard to reach. Oh boy, abeg phones work nau.

I returned home and decided to pay him a visit while he was at work. I was in the bedroom eating my agbalumo when the bowl in front of me tipped over and my agbalumo rolled over and then under the bed. I followed it right under the bed and I saw what my eyes were not meant to see. This is a classic example of snoop came looking for me.

I saw a woman’s panties under the bed and it was clearly not mine. Not just the panties but something that I do not use was attached to it! Awon oni ranu meji. So gross!! I went to the kitchen, got a broom and swept it onto a packer and waited for guy to return. In the mean time I went through the caller id on the home phone and I saw a number that had been calling at the same time unfailingly for the past 2 weeks (While I was on vacation).

I was like ehn..ehn

This guy returned, ate some food and was gisting like normal. I just brought out the underwear and asked him who it belonged to. He first off said it was mine and I was like “The hell it is………NOT”. Not what I would wear, my behind is not even up to half of it and that nasty thing sticking on it is not what I use either so where did it come from? Dude starts stuttering like he does when he’s lying.

While he was stuttering, I quietly took his phone and went to the bathroom. I had locked the door before he even knew the phone was gone. I sat down and went through it to my heart’s content. This was my very first time ever having to go through a guy’s phone, but I just had to know. Something was amiss and I would go crazy if I didn’t know. Especially since I didn’t even want to be in this relationship in the first place.

This was in the era of flip Motorola phones so I flipped it open and I started reading the text messages. Ohhhh sheeeeeeeeeet!! This guy was sex-ting some girl!!! And the girl was a fellow student in his class whom he had told me about, and was in his study group. I didn’t think anything of it then because I didn’t see anything wrong with people of the opposite sex being friends\study partners.

He had apparently brought her to his apartment while I was away, and judging by the pictures she had sent him, that panty definitely belonged to her xxl behind.

Goodness Gracious! I’m even exhausted remembering this story. Anyway that was the end of that relationship. Not because I couldn’t let bygone be bygone, but because it was a perfect excuse for me to exit a relationship I didn’t like; I didn’t want in the first place.

I heard so many stories from girls talking about how they snoop through their BAE’s phone while he’s asleep. Yes, dear men, your women look through your phone while you are asleep. The only way you can escape it is if you have it tied to your something while sleeping or we haven’t yet figured out your lock code – but trust me, we are working on it. Especially you men that your eyes be bulging like opolo’s own when you see a fine or well-endowed girl walking by. You have no self-control kobo!

I haven’t done the snooping thing again since then – well technically it was the snoop that came to meet me where I was minding my own business. Just like another time when one guy was asking me out. This guy was stalking me night and day, acting like he was gonna die there if he didn’t marry me. This foolishness of a human being introduced me to his aunt and uncle visiting from Nigeria o, the uncle even brought me this very lovely fabric to give “iyawo wa”.

In fact, now that I think about it, may the witches in your father’s village find all of you together for trying to pull one on me. But you ain’t getting your fabric back sha cos I sowed correct style with it! Heheheheheheh.

This guy brought his laptop to me to fix one day saying it had been overcome by viruses and he wanted me to help him clean it since I do techie work. So I decided to help clean it up. I succeeded in getting the laptop back to normal but in the process, I found a folder that was password protected. Hmmmn, well, well, all my years of watching CSI, CSI Miami (Go Horatio), NCIS, Castle, Law & Order had taught me that something was fishy. He claimed he lived alone which means he’s the only one who would have access to the laptop so who was he hiding the contents of the folder from?

Savannah cracked her knuckles and went to work. I unlocked the folder on my third attempt! The folder was full of pictures of this guy, his wife, and their kid!! I didn’t even bother confronting him about it. I just left the folder open on the desktop so he would know I saw it. I then blocked his number and email address. I can’t deal abeg!

He called me over two years later from another line and said he was planning on divorcing his wife at that time after he found a way to return all her money (her inheritance) he stole from her without her knowledge.

You see why I referred to him as foolishness of a human being?

Thank God I had not said “yes” to dating him. I would have castrated him and sent his penis to a museum somewhere.

I still don’t believe in snooping, and really there should be no need for it if neither party is trifling. There is nothing saner than being in a healthy relationship with healthy people who do not cheat on or lie to you. Nonetheless, I don’t blame those ladies who maintain a weekly\daily sweep of their BAE’s phones, emails, & social media account. More grease to your elbows if this is what you do.

Hypertension is more real in some lives than others.


Seun Akinlosotu is a Tech Analyst by day and an aspiring Writer by midnight. She’s a self proclaimed Romanticist who likes to write light heartedly. Her write ups are geared at a cross mix of audience, none of which will need an Oxford Dictionary to understand her. There’s more to read from her at & on IG @Chechecosmos

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