Written By Abiade Olawanle Abiola
I have ceased to believe that it is wrong for people that are married to decide to go their separate ways if the marriage is not working out due to irreconcilable differences. I was made to believe by religion that marriage is for a lifetime, whether it’s a good or bad one. Now, my belief is that only marriages where the parties are committed to make the union work and successful are for a lifetime. Any marriage that the parties in it are not working out their differences and is therefore not healthy or toxic should be dissolved if one or the two partners wants it so, for the good of all involved.
Whether we want to face the truth or not, there are differences that cannot be resolved, reconciled or compromised on between two people for one reason or the other, especially if there is no love in the relationship/marriage. Examples of such differences varies in quantity and quality in relationships/marriages. If two people are totally different in their outlook, mindsets and expectations in and from the institution of marriage, it will be hard for such a couple to dwell together in harmony if there is no will to do so.
It does not necessarily mean that when two people are not able to make their marriage work, they are bad or wrong. They just want/need things from each other that they’ve not been able to get. Things they discover either one or the two partners involved don’t have in them to give. Which is okay compared to the alternative of living a double life. That’s why I’m a firm believer of the truth that the best person to marry is a friend. I missed this once, I’ll not do so again and I encourage singles to keep this in mind when considering a future partner. Because it takes compatibility and agreement on so many levels for two people to be friends and remain friends over a period of time. And marriage needs such compatibility and agreement to be fulfilling and successful.
In our generation where a lot of people meet and marry their spouses in places of worship, it’s sometimes difficult to know the family backgrounds, past lives and private life of one another, especially if the person makes false representations or hides things from the other party. And because of the place of meeting, people erroneously believe and trust themselves without carrying out proper investigation into one another’s past for in depth knowledge.
So such people get married with only their professed faith/religion, and the leaders/members of the place of worship where they met in common. In some cases, the couples discovers that they’ve based a life long decision on weak and inadequate parameters. For after the marriage, they do nothing but bring out the worst in each other. They have no interest in each other’s dreams and aspirations, hobbies and friends. They are unable to effectively communicate or understand each other’s peculiarities, (or one partner does not see the need to, while the other is a staunch believer of the need to do this). They start to live separate lives with only their religion in common.
In some cases, one partner proves not to be so rooted or convinced about the shared religion/faith and starts living contrary to the injunctions of the religion/faith which is the ONLY common factor between the couple, to the dismay of the other partner. The only time the backsliden partner relates and identifies with the faith he/she has deserted is by imposing and demanding his/her rights/entitlements allowed under the said religion/faith from the still believing partner which creates an unjust and abusive imbalance.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
Writer – Abiade Olawanle Abiola is a Lawyer with an interest in women’s rights, children’s rights, sexual and gender-based violence and alternative dispute resolution. She has a high degree of professionalism, dedicated to exceptional quality and also an effective team player with outstanding communication and interpersonal skills. She is a member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria, Institute of Chartered Secretaries and Administrators (ICSA), The Chartered Institute of Arbitrators, Nigeria Branch, member of the Nigerian Bar Association (NBA), Oyo State branch and, a member, and the Social Secretary of the Federacion International De Abogadas (FIDA ) known as the International Federation Of Women Lawyers, Oyo State branch. She is the president of Human of Substance Empowerment Initiative.
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