I was recently on the phone with a girl friend who went on and on for an hour how she’s so disappointed with her hubby. She had a long list of things he’s yet to do and she feel very angry and resentful. She is so bitter that she’s doing so much to keep the home running with no appreciation or support from him.
I told her society has subtly defined roles and many ladies have been made to fit in a mold handed down to us for generations. Unless a guy makes a deliberate and intentional effort to be different, you’ll work yourself up trying to change him from habits that have set over four decades ago. Many women who try to change their spouses end up changing themselves into bitter, angry and resentful wives
When you don’t expect much, you won’t be easily disappointed. Many ladies jump into marriage expecting their spouse to meet all their needs and be there for them at their beck and call but they are quickly disappointed when they realize their spouses are inadequate to meet all those expectations and then the relationship goes south.
There are a few guys out there who will come home early to fix dinner for their families. They will not only spend quality time with their kids after school by riding their bikes and swimming, they even keep up with homework and school events. They still want their wives untouched by the stress around so they are hands-on around the house but these men are a handful.
These men are just the few exceptions. You’re truly fortunate if you’re married to one of these guys but most of the rest of us are overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility of taking on a lot without any shoulder to lean on. So now you know why you should avoid a heart attack by lowering your expectations:
His Background – Most of us grew up watching our fathers wake up each morning, grab a cup of coffee and his suitcase as he walked out the door to work. He returned late at night asking how our day was and that was it. There was little interaction or no emotional connection. If your spouse grew up in this typical home, how and why do you expect him to be or do any differently? Let’s wake up from our dream of breakfast together or a cup of coffee in bed to the reality that our relationships would be impacted in more ways than one because of how our spouse was raised. If his father neither read a bedtime story to him nor said ‘I love you and I’m proud of you’ regularly, how does your spouse give your kids what he doesn’t have?
His Exposure – Thankfully many men these days aren’t as traditional as their fathers were a generation ago. Many have lived overseas or worked with expats who have rubbed off on them. Even though times have changed and the Internet has revolutionized our lifestyle, some men sadly haven’t moved, they are still stuck in their thoughts about how things should be. If you’re married to someone who is just stuck in the past, how do you expect him to plan a holiday when he never went for one as a child and thinks that’s a luxury and sheer waste of time? Some men can even afford to live in a serviced apartment but would rather go through the stress of managing their generators, security and logistics on their own than trust a facility manager to do any better.
His Willingness To Change – None of us had any choice on which families we’d be born to or how our childhood and upbringing will affect us. Life has thrown us events that have marred or made us for the rest of our lives. We are all responsible for our exposure, the company we keep, the places we go, the books we read, everything we can use to our advantage. If our spouse had an awful childhood growing up and even has access to some much that should add value to him but chooses not to change by himself so he can be a better husband and father, what can you do? Change starts from within and only happens to those who accept that what they have is inadequate for the journey. A gentleman will challenge himself to do differently for his wife and kids even though his upbringing and exposure say otherwise.