Multi talented actress, speaker and producer, Stella Damasus, explicitly details her dating experience with an ex who abused her and highlights an abuser’s mode of operation.
A few days ago I was reminded that it was okay to be vulnerable and human. I seem to have forgotten how relaxing it can be to let it all out sometimes, not caring if I would be judged, laughed at or insulted.
I had to remember that it was important to share some experiences that may actually save or help someone who is probably going through the same thing.
My story begins on a fun and exciting Saturday night in Lagos Nigeria, where I attended an after party. I met a tall dark and handsome man who was introduced to me through a mutual friend. We spoke for a few minutes, exchanged numbers and then parted ways. I didn’t see or hear from him again until about 6 months later when I got a call on my way to a friend’s private birthday party. He asked where I was and I told him where I was going, so he wanted to meet up at the venue and that was fine.
He came and we continued the conversation that we didn’t get to finish the first time we met. After that night we started seeing each other more often as he would call me and say all the right things, then ask to see me.
So there I was feeling special, thinking that this stud must really like me so much that he had to see me about four times a week. My head was in the clouds because he came to me in a very honest and humble manner, he didn’t have much but was not embarrassed at all because of who I was and what I had. In my head I was thinking “Wow what a confident man”.
Needless to say, I fell for him hopelessly even against advice from everyone around me. Read full story on Stella Damasus Blog
THE ABUSER’S MODE OF OPERATION
1. Identifies your weakness and uses it to gain your love and trust
2. Tells you the things they know you want to hear.
3. Gets rid of everyone around you who has the ability or capability to help/rescue you
4. Makes you emotionally dependent on him
5. Feeds your mind with things that you will believe are beneficial to your relationship
6. Uses your emotions to control your mind and reasoning
7. Tells you negative things about yourself and repeats it so it sticks in your mind
8. Compares you to others just to prove that you are not worth it and not good enough
9. Gives you the impression that he is doing you a favor by being with you.
10. Blames you for things even when you don’t know about them
11. Yells and picks fights at the slightest provocation
12. Starts to get physical but begs for forgiveness, telling you that his love for you makes you the only person that can get him that mad.
13. Makes you think the abuse is your fault and you have to fix it
14. Intentionally allows you to loose yourself/esteem so that he can gain full control of your mind
15. Batters your mind so much that even when he hits you and there are visible scars, you find yourself making excuses for him
16. You become afraid of the unknown so you stay in the relationship because you don’t want to start over in a new relationship
17. He gets you to the phase where you become numb so you can’t even feel that something is wrong.
It continues like this until something really bad happens or the woman runs away.
The good thing is that there is help and support for women and men going through any form of abuse.
Please don’t die in silence and don’t believe that the abuse is your fault. Speak out and get help.