Opinions

Tonto Dike And The Lifespan Of Love






“Muds Slinging is so much fun, when you do it to others. But remember the day someone else does the same to you, you’ll realise how bad the mud in your mouth tastes. Think twice before you go around ruining the reputation of others. Because what goes around comes around for sure.” ― Rachitha Cabral

Almost everyone is aware of the recent hullabaloo erupting from Tonto Dike’s social media pages. But I wonder if I’m the only person who is puzzled by the vitriol. If like me you have been wondering how love sours and goes to hell so quickly, then you’ll understand my reasons for being shocked.

So how does someone go from deep love to raging hatred? Are bitterness and hatred a part of love that only manifests itself after the love has faded?

Recently, people have gained popularity at the expense of their epileptic relationships. They blast their spouses in public and gain fame. First, it was Tiwa Savage, then Toke Makinwa ‘baring it all’ (a.k.a On Becoming). Today it’s Tonto Dike! Much as her tear-filled interview was heartbreaking, it was also depressing. These celebrities are so naïve, they can’t see through the schemes of gossip-thirsty bloggers and OAPs, who delight in making money off their misery.

So she (Tonto Dike) was sitting in front of an interviewer who feigning concern, probed and fished for juicy stories that might ramp up their social media ratings and Tonto couldn’t even protect her dignity? Whoever convinced her that she had suffered more than any woman that ever lived? I’ve heard people say things like: “women are dying because they are not talking about their pains and problems,” or “I tell my story because I want to control the narrative.”

Crap! Absolute Crap! Pardon my French but I totally think it’s crap.  Playing the blame game and acting the victim has become the norm. At the risk of sounding judgmental (even though that’s not my intention) I believe there are better ways to share your life experiences to motivate and help other people so they avoid certain traps. But why vengefully seek to tear down the reputation of someone you openly professed to love especially when you have a child with that person?

It just shows pettiness and a lack of maturity! Don’t forget that your child will grow up someday and that the internet never forgives or forgets. You’re a celebrity because of your talent. What happens in your personal life should stay private.

Don’t get me wrong. If you’ve read On Becoming, all you’ll want is for the Maje guy to burn in hell. It’s not surprising that the book got that much buzz because in reality, that book chronicles probably 8 out of 10 women’s stories worldwide. And there are few things women love more than a pity party. And no, this isn’t another case of women being each other’s worst enemy. I don’t hate Toke. I can’t hate someone I don’t know. I am only concerned about this new shaming and naming culture.

We love Tiwa; she’s an awesome entertainer. We love Toke for her flair and verve. We also love Tonto; the amazing actress. But there is something terribly immoral about publicly tearing down your spouse and baby’s daddy, someone you sworn for better for worse with. It makes the world question your character and intentions. Is this now a new strategy for remaining popular and relevant? Did Toke even consider that her ‘tell all’ tradition might scare off eligible bachelors? Surely, every sane man will fear that his flaws will be fodder for her next bestseller, where she’ll quote long passages of scripture.

It’s fine to become very Christian but be warned: God cannot be mocked. You can’t expect God to vindicate you when you have advanced with your chariots to be your own soldier and advocate. I worry that my daughter will grow older and ask questions about love. I want to proudly tell her that love is not blasphemous, not shaming, not self-seeking.

Love doesn’t quickly sour like evaporated milk left overnight on the kitchen counter. When it hits the rocks, please show a little kindness irrespective of how devastated you are. The love code mandates you to continue to support that person, even when its over. Love is not for the spineless. If you don’t have the spine for it, don’t play. Love is not about sex and money. Love requires commitment.  And if, for any reason, you can’t cope, walk away and acknowledge your part in the whole thing. Have the decency to take some responsibility for your choices. Resist the temptation to become famous and rich at the expense of the person you swore to love for better or worse.

To all the single people aspiring for marriage out there, don’t be deterred by the failing marriages. Many other marriages are blossoming. Look to celebrities like Tara Durotoye, Betty Irabor, Joke Sylva, Omotola Ekehinde, TY Bello, Gloria Young and the list goes on and on. Love is a beautiful phenomenon, especially when you know what it really means. A God marriage is hard work but is quite enjoyable. Take time to study positive material on successful marriages. They will help you make the right decision. But If things fall apart, nonetheless, pull yourself together.

You will emerge wiser and stronger and with your dignity intact. If you need to speak to someone about your relationship and don’t have anyone, feel free to email me on thetalkwithvanessa@gmail.com. I’ll give you my time for FREE!!

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vanessaVanessa Willie is a PR consultant, an On Air Personality and a Counselor with 6 years’ experience. For two years, she hosted TheTalk with Vanessa on Dream fm. TheTalk with Vanessa is a program designed to help people suffering from all kinds of addictions, marital and pre-marital issues, all kinds of abuse as well as career choice problems.. She lives in Enugu with her husband and adorable daughter.

 

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8 Comments

8 Comments

  1. Glory Ashoma

    Glory Ashoma

    March 13, 2017 at 11:02 pm

    I’m not a fan of Tonto but what you wrote isn’t true,if you follow the story very well you will see that it was the man who started the denting of reputation so if you are the woman would you keep quiet?i thought this page is to empower women didn’t know judging is part of it. We shouldn’t judge people on what we know we can’t take please

    • Woman.NG

      Woman.NG

      March 14, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      This is an opinion piece, submitted and published by a woman just like many of the pieces we publish. At Woman.NG, we don’t judge people. And we welcome different opinions for publication.

  2. Nnenna Rosemary

    Nnenna Rosemary

    March 13, 2017 at 11:45 pm

    @Glory.Even if it was the husband that started the accusation or whatever, it is the duty of Tonto Dike to keep calm for the sake of her son. So many women have experienced more than whatever she thinks she has experienced for years and still walked out of their marriages with out washing their undies in the public. A woman is that person that can keep her family issues away from the public no matter how bad it is. For crying out loud she went too far, had it being she only tabled her issues to her family, In-laws and church members it would have being a different thing entirely. How can a normal, matured, beautiful woman like her come out to tell d whole world that d husband infected her with Infections, killed their unborn children, and the rest. Marriage is not meant for everyone, if you can’t handle ur issues as a married woman pls kindly walk away and keep ur marital issues far away from the general public. What if there is nothing like social media nko? Don’t be surprised that people will use all this her marriage issues against her son or children someday, I strongly believe that some things are better left unsaid!

  3. Anita Ubah Dimaku

    Anita Ubah Dimaku

    March 14, 2017 at 1:37 am

    Hmmm

  4. Adaku Chibuzor

    Adaku Chibuzor

    March 14, 2017 at 9:33 am

    She has already said it.
    If any man is threading that part, let him change before his wife’s shock absorber slacks for his over maltreatment and let the whole thing spill through her mouth to the ears of the whole world.
    Again, this too much hiding has made many unrepentant, repeating same treatment on every woman they meet while this exposure will compel him to change in future as he knows all eyes n ears will be on him.

  5. Erus Onome

    Erus Onome

    March 14, 2017 at 10:09 am

    If u don’t wear the shoes, don’t judge the person wearing it for not walking properly…. We react to issues in different ways.. But that not withstanding, we Africans are good at painting stories n we always see things from our own view only… Until u have experienced what she went through, don’t judge her n say this is what she should have done… When a marriage want to crash nothing a pastor or in-laws says that wil stop it from crashing….. It’s just so sad she experienced all she did in her marriage…. Her story is Hers to tell…

  6. Nonye Yomi-Akinyemi

    Nonye Yomi-Akinyemi

    March 14, 2017 at 10:17 am

    Thank you so much for sharing! Personally I stopped reading stories detailing the “whatevers” that Tonto went through. She could have achieved her message of domestic abuse without washing their dirty linen in public. You think people writing all those comments behind the computers and mobile phones really give a hoot about you? Whatever happened to decorum? So sad that people now look to social media for validation.

  7. Ijeoma Green

    Ijeoma Green

    March 14, 2017 at 5:24 pm

    Hmmmmm….. Madam you are talking because you r not in her shoes, if you were to be her you say more than what she has said. Biko Park well Jor

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