Talking about it is not something she loves to do, but Toolz has decided to share her experience to help other women who are going through the same.
In a chat with Genevieve Magazine, Toolz talks about loosing her baby and the journey to finding healing.
I’ve never spoken about it because it was very painful, and it’s still very difficult for me to talk about it. From the point we found out something was wrong till when the process was over was quite harrowing, but the parts that really broke me were going through the pain of labour knowing my baby was already gone. I also had a mini-break down when I had to get a death certificate so we could have a burial. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life.
I had to have surgery shortly after, and also spent so much time in hospital, so yes losing my baby was part of it (going through depression), but thankfully I was able to deal with it, thanks to my support network.
I’m an emotional person. So my highs are very high and lows can be quite low. But this has been the biggest thing I’ve had to deal with in my life. To be perfectly honest, I’m still healing. I hated being in hospital. I’m a very impatient patient, so I just wanted to get better and leave. I craved for things to distract me, and I’m grateful that I was able to spend a lot of my hospital time working on my lingerie label Sablier.
(My faith was) shaken, broken, rebuilt… everything. Ultimately it strengthened my relationship with God. It made me realise how delicate life is, and as much as we say ‘I will do this or that’ it is inevitably down to God’s will. In December I wrote that everyone will go through trying times, you just have to pray for the strength to get through it. That’s what God gave me – strength to get through a very horrible experience and for that I am very grateful.
(I am thankful) for my life. It was difficult to accept, but healthwise, things were quite scary for me last year. The doctors were very worried, but God saw me through. So I’m very grateful to God for my life..healing and much more.
I felt incredible support. From my parents, new parents, siblings and close friends. My husband was an incredible source of support. One moment I will always remember is when I was pretty much broken and all I was doing was crying and crying. It was time to pray, and I couldn’t pray. I just didn’t know what to say or how to talk to God at that moment. He made me pray, and he didn’t give up till I had emptied my heart out. I think this experience brought us closer, and also made us realise how much we love each other.
I actually went into labour whilst I was making his breakfast. I tried to finish because he is such a big foodie, but the pain was too much and I was bundled off in the ambulance. Maybe it was the gas and air or temporary insanity, but I remember asking the medics to stop so we could get some food for him. They thought I was mad. We can laugh about that now.
My friends and family members were amazing too. From friends and family members that burst into tears when they found out to others that called me and prayed everyday. I am so grateful for each and every one of them, my heart goes out to any woman that had to go through this alone or unsupported.