To show the other side of marriage that is not popularly discussed on social media, a South-African woman, Mphephethwa shared the lessons she has learnt in her 13 years of marriage.
According to her, people have unrealistic expectations of marriage, she shared some facts about marriage, especially for the younger wives who have between 2-5yrs of marriage.
I was married at 17 years old and have been married for 13 years. I am 30 years old with three kids. This is a “survival” thread for young wives (and lessons I have learnt).
“Survival” was based on how I always threw emotional tantrums when I refused to face most of the facts and confront them in a more matured and level headed way. Survival is only referred to as my mental health not that marriage should be survived.
I decided to get married on my own will, my parents were very much against it. We were kids and thought ‘umjolo wethu’ will last forever. We both quickly realized that marriage is a union that not only joins us to be one but that you are also unifying different families with a cocktail of belief systems. I would never recommend anyone to get married young.
We were immature and maybe still are very immature in certain things. Both partners in the relationship have the ability to cause hurt and damage. The most important thing is to not return evil with evil because evil will never leave your relationship/marriage.
Marriage is a beautiful institution not to be entered into lightly, immaturedly and quickly.
Start trusting H(husband), put everything you own in the trust. It must be divorce, death and individuals incapacitated proof. Start your empire early. The sooner you experience the knocks the quicker you will recover.
Children are very very expensive both financially and emotionally, think about it carefully.
Don’t assume anything with your partner. Communicate everything even about his mother. Be honest.
You will already be short changed. Get used to it now. You won’t win.
He will hurt you, really really damage you. No one would ever understand and sometimes you don’t either. I don’t know what else to tell you but the fact that it hurts. Just find a healthy way to deal with it.
I definitely hurt him too, maybe damaged him as well (with my words) in anger. HUGE, HUGE mistake. Women are also capable of abusing their husbands. It kills the very foundation of your marriage. Abuse should not be entertained or tolerated in any relationship.
Twitter/social media is a fantasy. It’s not real life. Don’t make decisions or change who you are so as to be appealing to social media. Social media is a loner’s paradise. You have a life, a husband and family, focus on that.
Communicate your ambitions from the very beginning. Don’t give an impression to a man that you are ok with what he can provide when you want more.
Friends are not your measuring stick to your success. Don’t compare your marriage. Some people compromised and sacrificed too much to be where they are. Just stick to the family vision and forget the noise.
Your husbands’ friends are not your friends. When they call you ‘iVrou’, know that you are being taken for a poes.
Your husband is your friend. You have people you ‘kee kee’ with but they are not your friends.
Pillow talk and gossip are essential on a daily basis. This is how you will be able to really analyze his mind, his associates and advise him strategically.
Everything you were told when the aunties held you in a room before your wedding, is true. The 10year mark is the hardest and where you experience most of the horrors of marriage. Stay strong, understand why you are there.
Depression is real, don’t be silent. Go to a therapist. Encourage H(husband) to go to couples therapy before it hits the fan.
Educate yourself. Make some cash on the side with a small business or whatever. Just don’t get used to being handed things. Men keep scores, they won’t remember what you did but will definitely remember what you didn’t do and what he did.
Never talk about your marriage to friends. Just don’t.
Don’t take out your anger and frustration on the kids. They don’t know what is going on and they will make you account for it when they are older.
If your mom is still married to your dad or until his death listen to her. She will save you years of heartache. She has endured more than you can ever imagine. So appreciate her, love her but don’t let her be the sounding board of your marriage.
Stay in tune with the rhythm of your relationship. Don’t suddenly dance to ‘gqom kanti’ you all have been cruising to RnB all along.
I am sure there are many more advices and lessons learnt but I am still young and new to being married. I have still got so much to learn and unlearn.
One more thing… be quick to forgive. Grudges will only set you back and you won’t just prosper.
Respect your in laws, they are not your friends no matter how close y’all are.
If you are selfish, don’t bother with marriage. In marriage, you eat your pride with fork and knife, even when you are right ‘mntase’.