PAIN sounds so simple yet so powerful that it can cut right through depths you never knew existed.
She reflects on the various times it hit her so bad and figured that one thing persisted-she could have avoided them. How many scars before we stop making excuses for the person holding the knife?
TIME and AGAIN, she asks herself why she let the things she didn’t want back in the way she did. The tell-tale signs were always there every step of the way! The irony of it all is she looks back now and she knows that given the same circumstances again, she would do the same thing!
She refers to it as the sculptor thinking that she can fix every broken person that comes her way. Wrong! Each time they tremendously hurt her, each time she finally lets go; burning the bridges, they take a piece of her away with them – then she cracks. It happens one too many times. She’s broken – they become equal. Fair game!
Then she is broken to the point where she is scared to love or be loved. She creates a false illusion of the depth of emptiness she feels inside in a bid to hide her insecurities and the bad decisions she’d made. At that same time she so desperately wants to genuinely feel that love that would grow into something so beautiful. Catch-22!
She becomes a stranger to herself, she loses her confidence and esteem, she starts to unlove herself, happiness becomes far reaching, pain seems closer, she becomes fragile, she’s vulnerable, she knows a void needs to be filled. What has she done to herself?!
She wants to leave this place. She looks back but she has burnt all the bridges. She may have gone faster than her shadow by burning them before she ever got a chance to get across to ‘happy ever after’ land.
She is at the bank of the river waiting in desperation to get across. So many ships around who appear to want to help her across. She can’t seem to get herself across to swim to them, she is tired and somnolent. Dilemma!
Which is going her direction? she ponders. Some ships have cracks, some are beautiful on the outside, but she is more concerned about what’s inside. She has become too sensitive to which she thinks she wants to latch on to.*Sigh*
She doesn’t want to get on the wrong ship to eventually end up at the bank of the river again. She would hate to be the girl by the riverside. She has to take a leap of faith.
Dear Sailor, you would have to help her hop on the ride with you, you would have to help her sail for she is weak and tired. Extend a hand to her. She is prone to falling and she may have to try one too many times before she eventually hops on.
Look at those ashes as she latches on to them. She hurls them so close to her as if to say that they are a guide and reminder to tread cautiously albeit too cautiously. These ashes are tainting her beauty. They eat her up and have appeared to define her.
These ashes, they are the thing called PAIN. So simple yet so powerful it can cut through depths you never knew existed. It is like a drug, she is addicted.
Her mind is going through a fit of disturbia! She needs to recover!
Jean Clare Ogechi Igwegbe is a Public Health practitioner currently working in the field of Mental Health and Addiction. Being an introvert, Jean loves to express herself through writing.
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